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Harry Kane distracted by ghost of LGBTQ+ construction worker during missed penalty

Harry Kane’s spectacular penalty miss may have been caused by an eightieth minute paranormal visitation, it has emerged. The England number nine revealed in a post-match interview with ITV that he was distracted by the ghostly figure of a man who appeared to be gesturing towards a gushing head wound.

As he placed the ball on the penalty spot, Kane noticed the temperature inside the stadium had suddenly dropped, indicating a cool offshore breeze or something more otherworldly. “What was odd about it is that he didn’t appear to be wearing a regulation yellow helmet,” the lacklustre striker revealed. “He was around six foot tall, transparent, and with a lithe physique, which was highly suggestive of regular gym attendance or poorly supervised manual work.”

Kane went on: “I couldn’t say for certain which letter of the increasingly long acronym he represented, but if pushed, I’d probably go for “G”. It was as though he was deliberately perpetuating a stereotype from beyond the grave.”

The off-form maestro added “It’s hard to say whether I was staring at a psychical manifestation of my own guilt re the armband thing or a genuinely camp spectre from another plane of existence. Either way, the troublesome spook is the main reason why I handed the French a free pass to the semi-final.” Kane concluded: “I don’t shock easily and I say that as someone who has first hand experience of Harry Maguire’s defending.”

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