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Harry & Meghan forced to return all the swan blood

The Sussexes have been told that they must relinquish their HRH titles, their season tickets to Crawley Town FC and any duty-frees from the last two years.  They can no longer partake of swan meat, panda cutlets or nibble on the ear of Nicholas Witchell.

A whole series of perks are to be removed, not least of which is the use of the bat-signal and the phone number of the A-team.  Under the agreement, Harry & Meghan can no longer assume lizard form or take part in the secret human sacrifices, down in the catacombs below Windsor Castle.

Frustratingly they must be referred to as ‘Haz & Meg’ and live in a one-bedroom caravan in Sunnyvale Trailer Park, Nova Scotia.  They will lose all the trappings of royalty, including the right to lay traps for peasants.

A spokesman for the Queen explained: ‘There will be no royal duties, no tours, it will be as if they never existed – or being ‘Prince Edward’ as we call it.’

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