Horoscopes for August, by Ernest Tyro
- Lockjaw
- 9 hours ago
- 2 min read
Aries
What are your chances of romance this month? Put it this way: you're an amateur bagpipe player in a field of concert pianists.
Taurus
You will be taking a long journey abroad. That extradition request has finally been complied with.
Gemini
You've been through a challenging period of snags and misunderstandings, but things are getting back to normal now. Oil is back over a hundred dollars a barrel, inflation is going back up and Iran is once again attacking ships in the strait of Hormuz and directing missiles at us bases in the gulf. So things are finally back on an even keel at last. Phew!
Cancer
This month you will have skin in the game. Or, to put it another way, you will be undergoing extensive cosmetic surgery.
Leo
You've come to the right place. Proper scientific astrology is NOT AFFECTED by global warming and extreme weather events - unlike some of the other baseless and lame methods of fortune-telling that we can think of. Tea leaves are very inaccurate in hot weather and don't even start me on those fruit teas. Tarot cards can fade and bend in the heat. Examining entrails rapidly becomes very smelly - avoid.
Anyway, where was I? Your forecast for the month: Hot. And sweaty.
Virgo
You finally get that sports car that you always wanted. Great. Now you're a pillock in a sports car.
Libra
You will be offered a two-for-one deal if you get a tattoo of the Ace of Cups next door.
Scorpio
Scrying is the ancient art of starting into a bowl of water to unfocus your eyes so that you can observe meaningful symbols and picture. This month you will spend a lot of time scrying. Hang on. That's a smudge. You will spend a lot of time crying. Sorry.
Sagittarius
You will meet your destiny on the path you take to avoid it. Or, there is no fate but what we make for ourselves.
Capricorn
Life may indeed be like a box of chocolates but keep inhaling them like that and you'll be in line for a gastric band
Aquarius
Great changes are coming. A senior leader will step back to allow young blood to show what it can do. An Oxbridge education always helps, obviously. The new leader will make changes affecting energy, transport and pubs. In the sporting world, an Iberian country will lift the World Cup. You could put money on that. And an -ova will win the women's singles at Wimbledon. Sorry, due to an administrative error this seems to be last month's horoscope, so at this stage you could have expected a higher degree of accuracy.
Pisces
You will get exactly what you want. You know. The special thing. Yes, that's happening.
Contributors
Deskpilot: Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius
Flasharry: Capricorn
Lockjaw: Aries, Taurus, Cancer, Virgo,
SteveB: Libra, Sagittarius, Pisces,
Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.