Horoscopes for October, from The Misanthrope
Aries
It's curtains for you this month. That Dunelm order finally gets delivered. A little gaudy for my taste, I have to say.
Taurus
A spontaneous sexual encounter will put the sparkle back in your love life, but will lead to a blanket ban from the Chapel of Rest and ruin any plans for an open coffin wake. You messy pup !
Gemini
You will get a new variant of Shingles this month .... Sorry, my bad! You will buy a new flavour of Pringles. The vibrations from the ether are a little fuzzy at the moment.
Cancer
You feel increasingly out of synch with the world. You notice mince pies are in the shops already, and that Creme Eggs are available all year round, even though they now taste disgusting. CurlyWurlys are much shorter than they used to be and young people don't eat marmalade. Are you actually out of synch with the world, or just hungry?
Leo
The BBC are considering making a short docudrama about you trying to qualify for Strictly Come Dancing. They're going to call it 'Bleedin' Idiot’.
Virgo
Don't forget to put the bins out. When it's your bin day.
Libra
Monopoly money is NOT cryptocurrency. Don't accept it for payment ... unless you are selling a little green plastic house, or a red hotel
Scorpio
Your love life this month can be summed up with one word: meh!
Sagittarius
You can't decide to plan for a skiing weekend in Hochoetz or go camping in Wales. Considering recent 'outages' by NATS, I recommend camping. At least you will have brought an airbed to sleep on. Those airport floors couldn't be described as ‘comfy’.
Scorpio
Your body is a temple. Looks like yours has been de-sanctified and converted into a carpet warehouse. Buck your ideas up, you slob!
Aquarius
You will feel tempted to butter your toast while it is still in the toaster. Never do this. Especially before it has popped.
Pisces
You will be moving desks to be closer to the manager's office. Is that because they will calling upon you to offer some sage advice on complex issues, or is it to monitor how many times a day you slope off for 'a big poo’?
Contributors
Daveha: Aquarius, Virgo
Deskpilot: Cancer
Flasharry: Taurus
