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  • Writer's pictureRichT

Hunt announces introduction of "Austerity Police" as part of new measures

Jeremy Hunt today announced the immediate introduction of a new Police force to ensure all citizens behave in a frugal manner during the present period of Austerity.

With parallels being pointed towards Iran's Morality Police, who enforce the countries religion-based laws with a fearsome strictness, there was concern that a similar trend may occur. Reports were already emerging this afternoon of the new protocols in action, with the fashionable hipster "Brewdog" pub in London Bridge one of the first targets.

"I'd met the lads at lunchtime for our 'Dads do Drinks' Wednesdays we always have, " explained Tom Barner-Warnes (44) from Shoreditch, "and as we were getting our second Colombian Double Casked IPA, suddenly there was a full-on police raid, they kicked the door down and stormed the entire bar. Took all our iPhones, Apple watches, all our top end jewellery and even my Nike Super Air Max 3 trainers, which I'd just bought in a sale at Debenhams for only 600 pounds. We were informed that such items were not in line with austerity. Everyone was given a Nokia 3210 with 5 pounds Pay as You Go on it and two cans of Carlsberg. I almost went into shock."

"It was properly heavy handed." complained an equally miffed Sam Starmer-Bedwood (38) who had been the same establishment. "I said 'you can't do that, it's a breach of my human rights' as he whisked away my Apple Mac Book air Pro and gave me a ZX Spectrum in return. At which point he told me most of the Austerity police were hand-picked children of the West Midlands Crime Squad from the 1970's and then headbutted me."

"As the Chancellor said, there will be difficult decisions that must be made" explained a Conservative spokesman this evening. "While we currently have deployed the Austerity police to London, we plan to expand it to cover much of the South of England. While we are considering full country coverage, right now, we can't see there being much need for it north of Watford."

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