Leaked UK budget proposes to raise pension age to 5 years before you die

In a dramatic money saving move the UK chancellors’ budget next week is expected to save literally squillions over the next few decades. Instead of the pension budget climbing inexorably due to the triple lock Mr Healey will instead limit your time as a pensioner nearer to that experienced by previous generations, i.e. about 5 years if you were lucky. No more retiring in your 50s and then swanning around for the next 30 years winging about the cost of living, once you get your pension it’s spend, spend, spend before your time is up. Other benefits are expected to be a reduction in the queues at post offices at lunchtime, fewer Sunday drivers wearing a hat and an overall boost to the economy as all those lovely savings get spent on recliner chairs, walk in baths and water filled foot massagers.

Some commentators have wondered how the government knows how long you are going to live but Mr Healey had an answer ready:- AI. He says it’s now so good you can point it at a couple of photos of any adult in the UK and it will predict their life expectancy along with their levels of racism, anti-Semitism and gullibility with an accuracy some other governments around the world can only dream of, or make up, as appropriate.

Asked if there are any downsides, Mr Healey said yes, but they are minor and he had a plan. Anyone suddenly changing lifestyle and looking like they were going to beat the odds would be invited to stay at the Carrousel Carehome run by the Sandman group. He also announced a new recycling initiative using food waste to make the UK less reliant on food imports. This is to be run by the Green Soylent Corporation.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive