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Lilo enthusiast deported under new 'small boat' law

Selsey lilo enthusiast Dave Hexham has been deported to Rwanda as part of the Government crackdown on small boat asylum seekers.

Mr. Hexham, out for his usual Saturday morning paddle, was approached by members of the Border Protection Force as he tried to land. When quizzed, he was unable to produce any identity documents and was promptly detained for processing under the new legislation.

His wife commented 'Bloody idiot! I always said that his stupid lilo obsession would get him in trouble. Now I suppose I shall have to drive up to Rowehander to pick him up from the Detention Centre - isn't that near Swindon?'

When informed that he was actually in Rwanda, Mrs. Hexham vocalised a small 'whoop' and fist-bumped the air. 'Pillock! Serves him right'

When asked about the incident, a spokesman for the Border Protection Force said 'Alas, the so-called Mr. Hexham, without any means of identification, falls directly into the category of undesirables this legislation was designed to catch, and we had no choice but to act. The fact that he repeatedly called us "jumped-up bellends", "pocket-Hitlers", and "fascist jobsworths" has in no way prejudiced his treatment'

'Now, if you can excuse me, I am off to "console" a Mrs. Hexham whose husband has apparently "gone missing" '

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