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London’s emergency services practise for Murray exit

Intelligence officials have closed down sections of the UK’s capital, in order to stage a simulation of the terror conditions that will occur in the wake of the Wimbledon Champion choking in the quarter finals. The exercise involves 1,000 police officers, all of whom have been instructed to taser on sight anyone seen weeping into a punnet of strawberries.

The public have been told to be extra vigilant for anyone wearing a Saltire on their face or ‘I love Andy’ in marker-pen on their chest, and to report Cliff Richard if he starts to sing. Likewise, Ambulance services will be on hand to treat those injured by shrapnel from an exploding Judy Murray.

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