'Why don't they just chill out?' asked pub bore Gary Grimthwaite.
Drinking alone, Grimthwaite continued pontificating 'I'm allowed to see my kids on alternate weekends - my ex said I worshipped Jeremy Clarkson more than her. Why don't they try that, but for the holy sites of Jerusalem?'
'A century of bitterness and betrayal? I could sort this out in an hour - two hours tops. I'd be home in time for a Top Gear repeat where I mouth along with Jeremy's bon mots. International diplomacy is really missing the input of someone like me.'
'As a British man, drawing borders on different parts of the world brings me peace. Even when those borders bring others war. It's just what we do.'
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