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Mick Carter detained by Border Patrol for attempting to cross the English Channel illegally

A spokesperson for the coastguard said, 'We arrested a swarthy looking gentleman who was swimming just off the coast, during the late evening of Christmas Day. We asked him for his nationality and he claimed to be a "Geezer", but he doesn't look like he comes from Egypt'.

They continued, 'He only has a very slim grasp of the English language claiming, his trouble and strife drove Sonia’s Andrew Marr right Frank Bough the frog and toad, over a cliff into the Housemaid’s knee. Naturally, he was worried because she was carrying his basin of gravy and his ex-bag for life. So he jumped in to try and save them. When we can find a translator we will begin questioning him properly, but we suspect he was attempting to enter the country illegally'.

'The only witness, refused to give his name, but is believed to be one Phillip Mitchell, of The Arches, Albert Square, Walford. He said he was waiting for a delivery of dodgy motors to switch up that bent copper Keeble, so he was no help at all'.

The spokesperson continued, 'With days like this the next strike can’t come quick enough. Let the Army sort it out!'.

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