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Middle class liberals turn out for pro-Philistine march

The cream of Britain’s middle-class liberal intelligentsia put aside their Guardian crosswords today and turned out in force for a march through Hampstead in solidarity with their 'Philistine brothers and sisters'.

'We all pity them,' said Felicity Porsche, who studied at Girton College, Cambridge, married an investment banker, and now spends her days making jam.

'I mean, it’s not their fault they use the wrong fork for hors d’oeuvres and have never read Sylvia Plath.

'And obviously, these Philistines are a bunch of ignorant, knuckle-dragging oiks with no manners, who you’d never invite round for mimosas. We say that all the time.

"But how would you like to be constantly abused by a bunch of affluent, privileged, white oppressors who have grabbed all the best bits of your country to live in? Tarquin and I utterly condemn it, and so does everyone else in our exclusive postcode.

'We realise the plight of the Philistines does not affect us directly, because we never meet any of them in Selfridges. But we are marching in unison with middle-class intellectuals everywhere because it's a fashionable new cause to adopt and we are determined to show one another how much we care.

'I mean, what does it matter if these poor, misinformed Philistines adore Boris and voted for Brexit…

'Hang on! Those rotten little sods voted for Brexit? Down with the Philistines! Down with the Philistines!'

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