The Ministry of Defence has said nurses can have a pay rise, provided they are willing to fight on the Ukrainian front line. 'We have plenty of cash for killing people, just not very much for saving lives. Your average nurse would be much better off if they looked like a Stryker personnel carrier.
'We're not saying they don't do vital work in hospitals. I'm just saying they would be much handier strapped to a bomb and dropped from 10,000 feet. Hence our new slogan, 'clap for nurses that go splat'.'
Redeployed staff will be dressed in military fatigues as opposed to actual fatigue. While patients are encouraged to stop giving thanks and just give tanks. Said one Challenger Tank: 'I used to work in an A&E department on a Friday night, so its nice to get away from all the death and destruction.'