New Super League to feature a competitive circle jerk

Updated: Jun 21

Europe's wealthiest clubs are proposing a breakaway league, based on the sporting principles of The Hunger Games. A select 12 clubs will repeatedly play one another, generating all the suspense of a sun rise or a Boris Johnson divorce.


Financial reward will replace competitive endeavour, with the winner calculated on their FTSE position. There will be no promotion or relegation, with the plan to slowly eliminate all goals for and against, so not to upset the markets.


Even in a small division of elites there will be losers, with Arsenal agreeing to get defeated 6-0 every week. Although Manchester Utd and City fans will experience travelling to exotic away games, on the other side of Manchester.


One TV executive explained: 'Its all about maximising viewing figures, so expect Barcelona vs Tyson Fury, Chelsea vs Spiderman and Real Madrid vs Mrs Brown's Boys'

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