Noah tells far-right activists to leave animals be
The 600-year-old boatbuilder says he is not an Uber for ungulates and has asked protesters to stop shouting “where’s your licence?” at giraffes
By Jay Rusalem, Religious Correspondent
MOUNT ARARAT — Noah has accused far-right activists of waging a campaign of intimidation against his Ark, after they branded the divinely mandated flood evacuation vessel a “taxi service for illegal animals”.
The 600-year-old boatbuilder said protesters had gathered at the gangplank for the third day running, waving banners saying “Stop the Stoats” and “Two by Two is Too Many”.
“It’s a rescue mission,” said Noah, visibly tired. “God told me to build it. I didn’t wake up one morning and think, ‘I know, I’ll start a minicab firm for wildebeest.’ And I’m not even charging. The lions offered to pay in gazelle, but I said no.”
The far-right group, calling itself Patriotic League for Emergency Boats (PLEB), insists it is not opposed to animals, but believes they should “stay in their own habitats and apply through the proper channels”.
One protester claimed the Ark was “undercutting local coracle operators” and “taking jobs from hard-working rafts”. “I saw a pair of kangaroos get on,” she said. “They didn’t even have tickets. They just hopped aboard. It’s a disgrace.”
A police spokesperson said: “We are treating this as a hate incident, a flood incident, and a maritime licensing issue. We advise both sides to calm down and stop making waves. Also, someone please remove the tigers from the discussion area.”
The Home Office declined to comment, but a source confirmed officials were “looking into whether the Ark qualifies as a small boat” and whether the animals could be “processed offshore”.
Author: cerebrovore
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