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One in ten firefighters ‘not fit enough’ to be novelty strippers

Hen parties throughout the UK have been put at risk by the paucity of fit firefighters, with many displaying allergies to baby oil, thongs and Velcro, it has emerged.

The Scottish Fire and Rescue Service (SFRS), whose motto is ‘Tease, not sleaze’, is one of the worst offenders for fitness. It has reportedly been trying to fob customers off with a novelty gorilla-gram covered in whipped cream and a petulant dwarf in a kilt.

One disappointed bride said: ‘We called 999 in response to a bonfire getting out of control. When the crew arrived, they just extinguished the flames. At no point did they remove their clothing or rub their genitals on my face.’

An SFRS spokesman said: ‘If our members want to continue to show their members, they need to buff up. Public safety can only be guaranteed if we quickly tackle fires and fire our tackle off quickly. We need to return to our proud roots as sensuous, well-built strippers with an intimidatingly large hose.’

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