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Owen Smith mania reaches frenzy point

Holiday-makers are reporting gridlock on the roads and all forms of coitus have ground to a halt, as people take to the streets in support of the leadership contender. Despite 75% of Labour voters expressing a preference for his opponent and the remaining 25% having mislaid their ballot paper, a groundswell of public support for Mr. Smith is electrifying the nation - like a tasered testicle.

Bunting lines the streets explained one Owenite: 'Many people are asking - who is this man of mystery running in the election? Or maybe they said - it's a mystery why he's running. Either way, voters have Owen Smith on their lips...or it might be a cold sore'.

Lately Smith-groupies have packed out anime conventions, in numbers upwards of three, bursting into tears at the mere sight of their idol. Handmade t-shirts publicly advertise their love with the phrase 'I'm with stupid'. Nothing can stop his propulsion - once it actually begins. While the man himself comes ever closer to sealing victory - by changing his name by deed poll to Jeremy Corbyn.

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