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Priti Patel - the face that sank a thousand ships

Boats in the English Channel carrying refugees can now be turned around on the whim of Home Secretary and third rate Bond villain Priti Patel, who is said to have bought an evil white cat to celebrate.

One junior Home Office flunky twitched nervously as they whispered: ‘She might use the power of her smirk to summon up high winds and favourable tides for washing the refugee rafts back to the French coast. There’s another theory that she wants to use the new Royal Yacht so that she can sink their dinghies of despair, literally in her wake, all whilst sipping champagne on the deck and wearing a fleece with her name on.’

French officials say Britain would be breaking international maritime law, but have in turn been criticised for expecting the Tories to abide by any law that doesn’t pander to their base or directly enrich their friends and colleagues.

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