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Put a granny in goal for our match, Chelsea tell Middlesbrough

Chelsea have formally asked Middlesbrough to stick a 96-year-old grandmother in goal for their upcoming FA Cup tie.

The club say Boro should put Elsie Hammersley, from Stockton-on-Tees, between the sticks in Saturday’s quarter-final on the grounds of “sporting integrity”.

'We think it’s only fair that a person who can hardly walk should be in goal for Middlesbrough on Saturday – just to even things up a bit,' said a Chelsea spokeswoman.

'After all, it’s not our fault that our owner Is a dodgy billionaire with dubious connections. Oh no, actually it is our fault.'

The Blues have been hit hard by the sanctions placed on owner Roman Abramovich and have been banned from selling any further tickets.

They originally asked Boro to agree to play the match behind closed doors, but in a statement the north-east club said: 'Are you f***ing taking the f***ing p***, man?'

Others suggestions from Chelsea included forcing Middlesbrough’s team to play with one hand behind their back, playing their Under-7s outfit, and moving the match to a neutral venue: Dynamo Kyiv's stadium.

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