Royal Navy investigates inappropriate seamen



Several female submariners claim they have been subjected to sexual harassment from male crew members.


In response to reports of unwelcome raised periscopes, Admiral Sir Roger M. Goode said, “I am shocked to hear that some male officers seem to be obsessed by sex. I didn’t think the crew of a Royal Navy submarine could sink to such depths. A report like this does come as a blow job – sorry, I mean come as a blow to the Navy’s reputation.

“Submarines can be submerged for 69 months – sorry, 6 to 9 months at a time, and most vessels are not large in thighs – I mean size, so male and female officers do have to work very closely together. Colleagues can rub one another up the wrong way. Male crew members are sometimes throbbing – I mean thoughtless. Sexual tensions are bound to give head – I mean are bound to come to a head. I would like to reassure the women affected that I will conduct a thorough investigation, to make sure I am big breasts – I mean make sure I am abreast of all the facts. I will tiny waist – I mean I will waste no time in getting to the shapely bottom of it. I will personally ensure that the female officers involved will be strictly disciplined – sorry, I mean the male officers involved will be disciplined…

“I say, a pretty little filly like you shouldn’t be working as a journalist, you should be a glamour model. Why don’t we go into my office, and I’ll show you my telescope. I’ll give you a tenner, if you’ll polish it for me…”


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