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Sacked manager celebrates 100% record, after one game

England’s outgoing manager boasted of his flawless win rate and low-millage on his company car; exiting with a spring in his step and a boot in his arse. Taking the phrase ‘quit while you are ahead’ to its natural conclusion, Sam Allardyce has not even had time to wash his tracksuit.

Technically England’s most successful manager with a ‘win one, lose job’ record, many of his players will be encouraged to resign to protect their perfect start. Pundits now agree that it is an error to play teams like Brazil and that the template for success is just to play one game against Slovakia.

Explained an FA spokeswoman: ‘Too many sportsmen and women overstay their welcome, and I'd advise most to stop while at primary school, shortly after the egg and spoon race. Mr. Allardyce can leave, proud of his 100% success in being sacked for gross misconduct...rather than the usual incompetence’.

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