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Shakespeare to remain authentically boring

The Board of Shakespeare's Globe have reassured audiences of their mission to produce shows of 'mind-numbing tweeness', purposely designed to send your average GCSE Literature student into a spiral of self-harming. Renewing their commitment to Shakespearean traditions, all staff will be expected to adhere to a life expectancy of 40, rats as pets and a blanket ban on all actors who menstruate.

On site there will be a bear-baiting pit and the 'Potato Museum of Wonder'. Any artistic director must embody the Renaissance Period - like an Apothecary with typhoid. Said the Board: ‘They must come with a ruff, a small goatee and a pathological distrust of the Spanish navy.’

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