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Spiked drink blamed for May’s vision of a better Britain

Concerns have been raised that the UK’s PM-elect has been the target of a prank involving magic mushrooms, a kaleidoscope and some ‘dubious’ cheese. Clearly under the influence of hallucinogens, a reeling Mrs May, spouted a range of dubious promises - such as ethics and a free trip to Legoland.

The gathered press witnessed the intoxicated Home Secretary disavow Tory austerity, offer passports to any Syrian with a pulse and a wide-screen TV for anyone that could guess her weight. Embarrassed officials tried to prise the microphone from her hand, but Mrs May lurched into a rendition of ‘My Way’ and for an encore she punched the Downing Street cat.

A Conservative spokeswoman clarified: ‘Due to a combination of narcotics and too much Red Bull, Mrs May misspoke. What she meant to promise was to ‘Build a better Chiton’. Which, as everyone knows, is a long woollen tunic worn in ancient Greece. She’ll be knitting the moment she takes office – and we can all agree that fashionable Chiton is more achievable than a dignified Brexit.’

Hours later a more lucid Mrs May, appearing with sunglasses and a Bloody Mary, explained that she had no intention of undermining Tory policy by improving the state of the nation. If anything, it was a ‘Bitter Britain’ she was introducing or possibly a ‘Sweater Mitten’ – which is even more difficult to knit than a Chiton.’

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