As Chancellor Rishi Sunak prepares to cut Universal Credit, whilst building a swimming pool, gym and tennis court in the grounds of his grade II listed manor house, he was anxious to stress how important it is to remember to be rich. Not necessarily Scrooge McDuck rich, Grand Designs rich will do.
One of Sunak’s butlers said: ‘If you’re already rich, slashing benefits and social care spending doesn’t affect you. Rishi always says that people will have better lives if they are already incredibly rich. In order to level up, it really is important to be rich.’
Revoking the £20-a-week boost to Universal Credit will leave many lower income families struggling to make ends meet. However, Boris Johnson’s focus is on large scale infrastructure projects that he can put his name on, as opposed to actually helping people.
Another Sunak butler added: ‘The way to get Boris to pay attention is to throw in a bridge or two. He just loves a bridge, almost as much as he loves a bouncy Tory blonde half his age, and avoiding child support payments. Recently I’ve heard tell of bridges to Sodor, Arendelle, the Isle of Wight, Terebithia and one over the River Kwai.’
A social worker, who has worked in some of Britain’s poorest areas for many years looked intrigued: ‘A bridge to enable the poorest, most disadvantaged in society to access better benefits and social care? That would be fantastic! I would welcome that. You mean a metaphorical bridge, right? Right?’