Teenagers to be offered new vocational GCSE in forelock tugging
The UK has given up education and will now focus on menial low-wage jobs, with students studying Advance Button Pressing and certificates in Lid Removal Technologies. Boasted one student, ‘Last month I mastered yoghurt pots and marker pens, and if I pass my exam I might be allowed to put them back on again.’
Colleges will have an array of bespoke vocational experiences, including a Diploma in Queue Observation, an Award in Chair Alignment and a Level 2 Beverage Transportation (e.g. safely relocating a cup of tea from one side of the office to the other). There will still be academic qualifications like the Level 3 Waste Bin Monitoring leading to a T-Level in Staple Awareness - a two-year programme focused on identifying whether paper has already been stapled.
Said another learner, ‘I can now recognise that cables exist without necessarily knowing what they do, thanks to my Certificate in Cable Appreciation. Combined with my Level 1 Mouse Movement Studies and Award in Filing Things Somewhere I expect to be earning six figures, sometime in 2087.’ The Education Secretary proudly declared, ‘We are training the next generation of industry leaders, with our GCSEs in Important Pen Distribution and Empty Box Relocation.’ And those that fail will transferred to the extended diploma in ‘canon—fodder’ which has a remote campus on the Ukrainian frontline.
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