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The only cure for coronavirus is a blue passport.

Brexiteers and medical officials agree that the colour of your passport will be the deciding factor in whether you contract the virus and end up speaking French. NHS hospitals have been advised to stockpile blue passports, which can also double as spare beds. Moving from a defeatist shade of red to a resplendent royal blue, is more effective than a facemask, antibiotics or wrapping the Chinese Embassy in clingfilm.

Thanks to Brexit, UK citizens will be immune to all diseases and any economic growth for the next twenty years. They will also be able to fend off athlete’s foot, premature balding and trapped wind. A Foreign Office spokeswoman advised: ‘Hold your blue passport to your mouth and inhale the sweet perfume of empire and naval dominance. Any airborne infections will automatically be filtered, alongside any thought of diversity or history after 1940.’

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