A new Conservative Party election promise will make it legal, maybe even compulsory, for old people to thwack young people with sticks. Should the young person resist, they will be jailed indefinitely and their vote transferred to the pensioner whose attack was illegally thwarted.
Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers salivated 'It's the only language they understand. Maybe we can beat the hope out of them. Once they've abandoned hope, they can enter here - Tory Britain that is.'
Pensioner Ian Ingram shouted 'The Tories promised me eternal youth, so I'll vote for them.'
Teenager Oscar Oldroyd said 'Public services are grinding to a halt, I'll never be able to afford a house and there are rivers of actual turds. You want to hit me with a literal stick as well? Fire away, Grandad. Fire away.'
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