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Trump claims to be showered with affection – not Russian urine

Mr. Trump has been seen touting inauguration tickets marked as ‘Bring a friend, because Donald has none’. Sadly, the event has proven to be as popular as marriage counselling with Johnny Depp or a Boko Haram school reunion.

The teetotal Trump will spend his inauguration ensuring not ‘one drop’ of alcohol touches his lips; although he is not normally squeamish about what liquids get splashed around his face. The lonely billionaire is said to be inconsolable – proving money can’t buy you love but it can rent you a Presidency.

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