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UK has 10 days to spend all the old currency

The mourning period for Queen Elizabeth will see the frantic removal of all Queen’s heads – even pubs. Said one citizen, frantically licking stamps: ‘The QE2 will be sunk, Pearly Queens demoted and anyone called Elizabeth downgraded to a Betty’.

The redundant currency will be melted down for scrap – or Scottish pounds as we call it. And ten days of frenzied buying will be followed by a year-long recession, while Charles works out which is his best side to pose with.

Said one young lady: ‘It’ll be strange having Charles rattling around in my pocket – that’s normally Prince Andrew’s style’.

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