Following two days of temperatures dismissed by oil-fired Tory tartan travel blanket Sir John Hayes as: ‘summer-weight Barbour weather’, the Met Office has confirmed Britain has melted away like Penny Mordaunt supporters at a trans benefit pot roast, now personifying the geological equivalent of pitiably laughing at its own failed joke.
‘By Monday night, most of Wales and East Anglia had simply melted into the sea, and for a few hours Britain became the physical manifestation of the world’s opinion of us: the poo emoji,’ confirmed a spokesperson coming up for the third time somewhere off the coast of Buckinghamshire.
By lunchtime Tuesday, the South West and remaining coastal areas had liquefied faster than Prince Andrew’s resolve at Roedean School sports day, leaving only a solid strip of bulging-veined blue wallers obstinately congealed into a slab of clammy bum-cracked denial.
With London insulated by its own ego and now bobbing about in the broiling channel five miles off the end of Basingstoke pier, the cheery new shape of the country has been described as ‘deeply offensive to the millions of lives lost’ by commentators on higher ground, and ‘fun!!!!!!’ by Liz Truss.
Solidified to a central strip of embittered tablet, Scotland is reportedly furious to have become even more firmly welded to England, with Nicola Sturgeon doggedly declaring victory for the newly independent underwater state of Glaslantis.