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UK’s entire workforce quits

As of Monday, everyone will be handing in their notice, euphemistically to spend more time with their families – having f$cked up big time. Like a Taylor Swift love-story or a David Cameron cabinet, people are quitting in droves. Commented one shelf-stacker: ‘I thought I’d just leave before I was entrapped by undercover journalist. Ultimately, we’re a nation of quitters – just look at Brexit or any gym membership.’

HR managers are going to have their work cut out, trying to process several million exit interviews. Retirement homes will be ram-packed, as we all sit through interminable farewell speeches, while the UK quits everything – except saturated fat.

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