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UK to defeat modern slavery by returning to more traditional forms

In a triumph in deregulation and zero-hour contracts, Sports Direct announced the development of their first cotton plantation. While J D Wetherspoon already plans to open a chain of Pyramid-themed pubs. One slave commented: 'The confusion over who was Spartacus may be simply down the fact he was working multiple part-time jobs'.

The Conservative Minister for safeguarding and 'issues effecting people with accents' said: 'We are shining a light on modern slavery - then turning it into a reliable business model. And we're hoping to replace zero-hours with non-zero-sum contracts, which ensure everyone loses out. Remember, 60% of contractees are happy, while the remaining 40% are scheduled to do battle with the lions in the Colosseum'.

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