UK to fix broken asylum system, once it stops breaking it



The Home Secretary was clear, the last 30 years of screwing around with immigration, was just the beginning. 'The only way to a mend a thing, is to destroy it. You can't make an omelette without breaking some human rights.


'If anything, we need to smash it some more, we haven't hit rock bottom yet. We propose to restrict asylum to leap years, only. Applicants will have to pass a basic criteria - they must have a second cousin called Rufus, be able to quote from Pliny the Elder, name all the members of the Justice League and can whistle the tune to the Dambusters - backwards.


'We've 4,000 people crammed into a processing centre designed for 1,600 - but that just proves how popular our system is. We just need a few more tweaks and we can have a functioning version of Battle Royale.'


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