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UN proposes 'two Trump' solution


While Donald Trump is busy conflating the Israel/Palestine question with his breakfast order, the United Nations has suggested that a divided ownership of the President’s ideas might be best for all concerned. This would mean that the US retains ownership of Trump’s policies on women, Mexicans and hand-size; while the rest of the globe would only have to tolerate his view on hair products.


The General Assembly has put forward a motion that member states would only be exposed to the bumbling TV personality, with the gorgeous wife, while America would continue to enjoy the full ‘batsh$t crazy’ Trump experience. All his ramblings would be purely for the domestic market, yet foreign broadcasts would be replaced by a girl playing noughts and crosses with a clown.


For the ‘two Trump’ solution to work, the US must agree to stop providing him with a microphone and shred his passport. During an interim period, a thirty mile exclusion zone will extend around Trump’s mouth and, for one year, Benjamin Netanyahu will be forbidden from settling in the President’s anal cavity.


Neutral observers will ensure that the US does not attempt to fly-tip their President; a UN spokeswoman explained: ‘It’s not possible for Donald Trump’s brain and mouth to peacefully coexist’. Controversially, traditionalists suggest that Trump should be repatriated to his country of origin – but they still need to wait for the mothership to return.’


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