After another shocking week in politics that has seen Rishi Sunak, Southampton’s 2nd favourite son (after Craig David) appointed Prime Minister their South Coast neighbour and longstanding football rival Portsmouth has said enough is enough. For years the people of Portsmouth (or Pompey) have referred to their Western rivals as ‘Scummers’, while in Southampton they referred to those in the Naval city as ‘Skates’.
A local Pompey councillor has called for an immediate referendum so the island of Portsea can become an independent republic after ‘Yet another Tory PM we didn’t vote for !’. He might claim to be from India or Yorkshire or that he was educated in Winchester or Oxford but he was born in Sarf’ampton & that makes him a SCUMMER in our eyes !
On the outskirts of the city, Hilsea residents have set roadblocks on the M275 and Eastern Road with military support from Portsmouth’s famous Royal Navy field gun crew. Thousands of refugees from nearby Paulsgrove and Farlington have camped out on the M27 motorway hoping to cross the narrow strip of water on makeshift rubber boats or risking Aqua Taxis to enter the heavily fortified Royal dockyard city. The Red Cross are predicting a humanitarian crisis as there aren’t enough Iceland pizzas or cans of Stella to sustain the local population.
Newsbiscuit sources believe that Portsmouth North MP Penny Mordaunt has been imprisoned in the Tower of London to prevent any attempted coup. Valiant Portsmouth residents are appealing for donations of Lidl & Aldi fireworks in preparation for a bombardment of Southampton using the historic dockyard’s HMS Victory’s cannons.
Local resident Lippy Mush who’d just had a fight outside the Fawcett Inn said ‘We’re not being racist, we don’t care what colour or religion the Prime Minister is just as long as he don’t come from f***ing Sarf’ampton’.
Image: Pixabay - Diego Torres