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You can't put a price on mutually assured destruction

Theresa May was delighted to announce to The Commons, that she had secured the obliteration of 'all life as we know it' at the bargain price of £31bn. She insisted that renewing the Trident missile defence system was the cheapest way to destroy humanity - other than appointing Boris Johnson to the Foreign Office.

Impishly she suggested that with Brexit just around the corner, thermo-nuclear war might be the least of our worries. Those suffering from austerity would be doubly appreciative of this irradiated solution. Boasted a MOD spokeswoman: 'It was an absolute bargain! The nice US salesman assured me it was a once in a lifetime deal. He said - everything must go - literally!'

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