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Your Five a Day counts towards your Rule of Six.

Christmas has been thrown into turmoil, as new Government COVID guidance now includes vegetables towards the number of people that you can safely pull a cracker with.  Explained a Health Official: ‘It’s a choice between Grandma or the brussel sprouts.’

Tough decisions will need to be made, between the relative merits of relatives and the tastiness of certain veg. You might be happy to trade turnips, in order to see your delightful nephew, but would you really give up buttered peas, for your racist aunt? Said one reveller: ‘I like my parents, I really do, but I love roasties. And my brother can’t compare to a mashed swede – at least not when it comes to conversation’.

Turkeys were hopeful that the rule of six might extend to them, but have been told: ‘Even if you’re soaked in Coronavirus brine, basted with a Covid swab and stuffed with a SAGE (the Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies), you’re still getting eaten’.

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