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Your July Horoscope, by Toxic Meg.

Aries: Pluto entering Aquarius means you'll be changing your surroundings and getting used to smaller-scale accommodation. You shouldn't have brought that bag of ‘artisan baking powder’ through Heathrow for your friend.

Taurus: As Venus enters your sign sideways, you will either have an interesting conversation in a dentist’s waiting room with a hygienist called Helga, or boring sex in a biodegradable yurt with a fudge packer called Frank. The planets haven’t decided which, yet.

Gemini: I know what you did next summer.

Cancer: This month looks set to be full of surprises, including an unexpected gift from someone special! Oh bugger, I wasn’t supposed to mention that bit! Oh well, it will be a sh!t present anyway, so at least now you’ll have time to practice pretending to be delighted.

Leo: The planets have an important message for you: ‘Free 2ltr bottle of Pepsi with every pizza order over £25’.

Virgo: Really hard to believe you're a Virgo! Anyway, here goes: you will go out, meet a tall dark handsome stranger, then go back to his place for a night of rampant, shameless shagging. For you girls, same as above. Basically, same as last month.

Libra: On your way to work, you will encounter a busker who is singing a song that is all about you. It’s uncanny how much he knows about you. Could it have something to do with you losing your diary recently? Let’s hope he doesn’t get to the bit where you shagged your brother-in-law in the wardrobe last Christmas.

Scorpio: You will suddenly come into a large sum of money. Lose the shotgun, ditch the mask and run, you pillock!

Sagittarius: You will be prosecuted by the RSPCA for animal cruelty this month, after your emotional support dog suffers a nervous breakdown and starts smoking crack. Maybe you should stick to telling your problems to a goldfish in future.

Capricorn: There is a reason why products bear a ‘Keep out of the reach of children’ warning. The good news is they won't be your kids.

Aquarius: A rare alignment of the planets is about to bring good fortune into every area of your life! Hang on a minute – sorry, I’ve got the wrong address. This prediction was meant to be delivered to the woman next door, not to you. I left your prediction by your bins while you were out, but with the way your luck’s been going lately, someone has probably nicked it.

Pisces: We are sorry, but we are unable to deliver your horoscope, as there is a fee to pay. To arrange delivery, please visit www.gullible-twat/megs-holiday-fund.comand enter your credit card details.

Hat tips go to:

sydalg – Aries

SteveB – Gemini

Sinnick – Virgo

FlashArry – Scorpio

lockjaw – Capricorn

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