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Your November Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: When Neptune enters your house of good fortune this month, all your dreams will finally come true! A substantial lottery win, finding true love and an exciting new career are all about to happen! Only joking – everything’s going to be sh!t again, just like last month.

Taurus: Due to a careless mistranslation into Mandarin, your tweet about your cat's indigestion will cause riots in Beijing.

Gemini: You may not remember what you did with the handle of a pool cue after you overdid the tequila shots in the pub last night, but your friends do, and they have video footage. Pay them off quickly before you become a trending topic on social media.

Cancer: Your lucky number is 1011011011101. Your lucky pants are in the wash.

Leo: The saying ‘opposites attract’ is great for magnets, but what you are doing is wrong. Stop the van, loosen the restraints and let them go: a relationship built on Stockholm Syndrome is doomed from the start.

Virgo: Sex with Sagittarians is not as bad as you think.

Libra: This month, Jupiter will enter your sign without knocking, and inspire you to try a new hairstyle. Unfortunately, it will make you look like a sex offender.

Scorpio: Someone in your life has angered you recently, but you have been unsure how to respond. The playwright Edward Bulwer-Lytton once wrote, ‘The pen is mightier than the sword.’ He did NOT say, ‘Write the b@stard’s name and address on a Jiffy bag full of dog sh!t, and post it.’ Expect a call from police officers investigating a ‘hate crime’ soon.

Sagittarius: The heavens will be busy this month. Cosmic storms abound and gravity ebbs and flows. Great civilisations may fall. But you, you will stay in bed till twelve, like always.

Capricorn: The planets have two words for you: ‘portion control’. That party-sized gateau was meant to serve 30, you greedy pig.

Aquarius: Whenever you feel alone, remember that you have 5 friends on Facebook. At least one of them is a real person - the others are spambots trying to sell you Viagra.

Pisces: I hear you’ve been complaining that my predictions for your sign aren’t 100% accurate. I’m so sorry to hear that I have failed to meet your exacting standards. If you have any suggestions on how I can improve my service to you in the future, please email them to:

Hat tips go to:

sydalg – Taurus

FlashArry – Leo

SteveB – Virgo

lockjaw – Sagittarius

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