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Your October Horoscope, by Toxic Meg.

Aries: This month you will become convinced that BBC weatherman Tomasz Schafernaker is trying to communicate with you through the TV by blinking in Morse code. Perhaps coming off your meds wasn’t such a good idea.

Taurus: Your love life is about to get interesting. You need to seize the opportunity and treasure every moment - she's on a paid webcam connection and charging by the second, for God's sake.

Gemini: Your journey through life has been mapped out by the stars, but recently there have been indications from the planets that you’re going the wrong way. Mercury is retrograde in your sign, Mars has performed a U-turn, and there have been some powerful vibrations coming from Uranus. If these signs aren’t enough to convince you that you’ve lost your sense of direction in life, there’s also the fact that you’re reading this on your phone while sitting on the toilet – and you’re facing the cistern.

Cancer: Nope. You didn't follow my advice last month. Work it out for yourself, Smarty-Pants!

Leo: When Venus moves into your house of romance this month, you will finally find yourself alone with that gorgeous temp at work who you’ve had your eye on for ages! Unfortunately, you’ll have just let out an eggy fart which follows you into the lift, so they won’t be asking you on a date any time soon.

Virgo: On Friday the thirteenth, make sure you stay indoors wearing bubble wrap.

Libra: As Saturn turns his back on you, you will be kidnapped by the weird bloke who collects the trolleys at Asda, who will keep you in his basement for 3 weeks and force you to look at photographs of his dead pets. Still, it will make a nice change from staying in on your own watching Netflix, eating cereal straight from the box.

Scorpio: A loved one will say that 'you are larger than life'. But it won't be the compliment it first appears.

Sagittarius: You discover that thanks to an argument between the gods of the stars and of tea leaves, the amount of liquid you leave in your mug at the end of your afternoon tea break determines how much rain the UK receives the following day. Please finish your drink, for all our summers’ sakes, and don't leave it on the floor where your dog can p!ss in it.

Capricorn: You’ve always dreamed of having men fall at your feet, and this month it will finally happen. Wear some Odour Eaters, for f**k’s sake!

Aquarius: You are flattered when on the school run, a stranger comments on your film star looks, but less so when he reveals it is Ron Perlman. Admittedly, it was early in the day and you were not at your best, but perhaps a natural beauty regime is not really for you.

Pisces: This Saturday's lottery numbers are 6, 8, 14, 33, 37 & 40, and the bonus ball is 11. Tune in next month to find out which country's lottery they were for.

Hat tips go to:

sydalg – Taurus

lockjaw – Cancer

modelmaker - Virgo

SteveB – Scorpio

sirlupus – Sagittarius

FlashArry – Aquarius

Jack the Quipper – Pisces

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