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Your September Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: This month you will become confused when the voices in your head start speaking to you in French, with a Scottish accent.

Taurus: As a result of a long overdue rationalisation of the stellar houses, yours is one of two zodiac signs that will be phased out by the end of the year. Unless you suggest an alternate sign, you will be provided with a new stellar profile in the next six weeks by email or SMS. Ensure that you comply with your new sign characteristics: fines will be incurred for repeated infringements.

Gemini: When someone gives you advice telling you to ‘just be yourself’, ignore them. Try being someone more interesting, with better personal hygiene.

Cancer: As Venus enters your sign without knocking, you will be inspired to take a bakery course at your local college. You will develop a crush on the handsome tutor, but don’t get too carried away – he may compliment you on the firmness of your baps, but he won’t be impressed by your crusty bloomers.

Leo: This month, you can tell me my fortune for a change. Everything doesn’t always have to be about you, you know!

Virgo: As the moon comes full circle in your sign, something from your recent past will resurface which will have a significant effect on your future. You should have deleted your internet search history, you pillock!

Libra: Go on. You know you want to. What harm can it do?

Scorpio: A plan to seduce your attractive next-door neighbour by regularly hanging your sexiest underwear on your washing line where he can see it is doomed to failure. You will realise this when you receive a letter from the local council informing you that he has made an official complaint about your plus-sized pants blocking all the sunlight from his garden.

Sagittarius: You'll never walk alone. Hang on, there’s a smudge in Uranus. That changes everything - you'll never w@nk alone.

Capricorn: You'll find yourself giving heartfelt thanks to South West Trains and the RMT around the middle of the month, when a mysterious villain ties you to railway tracks outside Goring-on-Sea, but thanks to industrial action and industrial incompetence you find you have 17 hours to wriggle free before the first train arrives.

Aquarius: You will become a social media sensation with 55m followers after you invent the controversial TikTok challenge known as ‘pancaking’, where you video yourself balancing on the tip of the Shard. However, once your remains are peeled off the pavement (hence the name), you will promptly be forgotten.

Pisces: The planets have an important message for you: ‘Take the antibiotics 4 times a day, for 2 weeks. Return to the STI clinic if symptoms persist.’

Hat tips go to:

FlashArry – Taurus

Sinnick – Leo

lockjaw – Libra

SteveB – Sagittarius

sirlupus - Capricorn

sydalg – Aquarius

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