The news written by you…

Britain’s Got Talent to introduce strict ‘no clapping’ rule

'contenders must be shown due respect'A 76-rule code of conduct for ITV1’s Britain’s Got Talent will outlaw the audience from clapping, booing, whistling or whooping. ‘The new rules are very clear,’ said programme creator, Simon Cowell, ‘the audience will sit quietly and listen to the acts with the solemn reverence that they deserve. Even if it is a dancing dog.’

Read more >

Nick Griffin in humiliating climbdown as mic broadcasts ‘moderate Muslim’ gaffe

'should be ashamed of himself,' say party membersThe leader of the British National Party was forced to make a grovelling apology to his party faithful yesterday after an offhand remark extolling the virtues of multi-culturalism in the privacy of his car was inadvertently broadcast to surrounding media. ‘Nick had just been addressing a conference of white van men when he was approached by a local Muslim gentleman, trying to engage Mr Griffin in a debate about the BNP’s stance on Islamic immigration,’ said Griffin’s closest aide, B Manning. ‘The cameras were rolling, so naturally Nick spewed forth about the colonisation of Britain by Islamic extremists.

Read more >

James Corden asked to fake his own death

Corden's character 'Smithy' could surely persuade him to do it It would be a great career move, for us

Read more >

Men relish denouncing 1970s sexism while still repeatedly saying ‘tits’

Deep, meaningful, respectful, thoughtful, pert observation somewhere round here Phworr, let’s get our Raleigh Choppers out

Read more >

New York cop looks forward to retirement after uneventful last week at work

not a single drug-crazed, gun-toting mugger encountered on his entire walk home Buried ‘up to his ass’ in paperwork all week

Read more >