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Levelling up will ensure entire nation is underwater


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Tory measures designed to equalise north/south disparity will result in the entire British Isles being below sea-level according to a government think tank. Fears that Scotland and the Pennines would be left high and dry following the melting of the polar ice cap appear unfounded according to senior figures at number ten.


Water sports, fishing and extreme cave diving will be available to the masses as the Business Secretary launches a ‘raft’ of new initiatives to bring unemployment down to zero. Illegal immigration hotspots are likely to become a thing of the past as scurvy and poor nautical navigation lead to natural wastage.


The government will also be setting aside money for a new navy which will look very similar to Farrow and Ball’s ‘Falmouth Blue’.





First published 15 Nov 2021


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Britain "could export its ice to North Pole and save glaciers"


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Millions of people around the country have pledged to give up cooling their beverages for the next month and send the ice cubes to the the polar regions to replace the melting glaciers. Using an image of a polar bear asking, "Is your iced tea really necessary?", climate activists hope to name and shame people who continue to cool their drinks. The first ship of ice is expected to leave Southampton for the Arctic next week.



Drinkers were horrified to learn that a piece of ice the size of Albania was being lost every day to climate change. "It's exciting to think you're doing something to save the planet", says David King, 31, as he sips his lukewarm gin and tonic in a London bar. "It's the least I can do". He hopes the Inuits can use his cubes to build igloos.



However, Tory backbencher Sir Evan Moore urges caution: "This climate change nonsense has gone too far. Send off enough ice cubes and you've got an iceberg. Remember the Titanic".




First published 14 Nov2022


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Parking in hedges to be made illegal in Bridgewater


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Under plans drawn up by Bridgewater Town Council, motorists leaving their cars half way up a hedge will face a fine of up to £100. It is currently not an offence to leave your car sticking out of the Hawthorn or Privet in most areas of England although it is frowned upon in parts of Surbiton.


A spokesman for the council said that hedge parking was becoming an increasing nuisance in rural areas. “These motorists don’t understand the damage they cause to nesting birds and the possibility of livestock escaping.” Anyone swerving down a narrow lane after ten pints of Sui Cider is encouraged to up-end their car in a ditch rather than plough through the hedge.


Car owners in areas of high flood risk are expected to be exempt from the plans.






First published 13 Nov 2023


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