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UK Gambling Commission punts £19.2m fine on 15:30 at Huntingdon



Already a record fine, this stands to increase by 15/2 if Stroll On By comes in. Payers William Hill, were surprisingly enthusiastic to fast track a new account opened by the Gambling Commission CEO.


The official response from the Gambling Commission CEO is “It’s a dead cert this one, this is so much fun, won’t be stopping at this current time”.


A William Hill representative says they will get round to checking this new account at some point, probably later this afternoon.





First published 31 Mar 2023


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Football club owner suffered ‘suspected poisoning



The soccer world has been rocked by allegations that Reg Tupper, owner of Isle of Wight Top Tiles Premiership team Athletico Cowes may have been poisoned.


An ashen-faced Reg has briefed the world’s sporting press:-


“We were cock-a-hoop on Saturday after we had done the double over our fiercest rivals Sporting Shanklin. Naturally I took the lads out to a slap-up meal afterwards to celebrate. I treated everyone to the very finest from Dave’s Doners van – with all the trimmings of course. We then went to the Cowes Boutique wine bar where I had my usual 11 pints of ‘Olde Bowel Basher’ cider.


However, most unusually I woke up the following morning feeling a bit queasy – know what I mean? I had to warn the missus to give it 10 minutes before using the toilet.


I can only think that someone must have wanted to do me harm, what with me being one of the top Isle Of Wight business men. Only a far-sighted entrepreneur like me would have had the courage to go into the Pic ‘n Mix business after Woolworths folded.


I’ve got a cast iron stomach when it comes to grub and drink. I can only suspect someone somehow managed to doctor my pork scratchings in the bar.”




First published 30 Mar 2022


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Mum sets new world record speed for telling family bad news



'It took us by surprise,' said Nicola, the daughter of record breaker Jan, aged 73. 'During a family meal out my brothers and I had begun remembering our old next door neighbour, Tony, when, no sooner had we mentioned him, mum chimed in to tell us that he's dead now. Couldn't have taken her any longer than 20 seconds'.


'It was actually 12.6 seconds,' said Jan, who also holds the record for number of times a mum over Christmas has asked her son why he and his girlfriend haven't had kids yet. 'The record had been in my sights for a while, so I'd made sure a representative from the Guinness World Records was present at another table timing it.'


Jan insists that despite the records she holds she isn't predisposed to the negative, and indeed when asked if she enjoyed herself at the family get together, she answered positively, saying that 'it was better than doing nothing'.




First published 29 Mar 2022


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