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Vicars to to ditch dog collars and wear harnesses instead



A clergy cruelty campaign group has won a major concession from the Church of England after years of lobbying. Their campaign centered around the danger of strangulation from a dog collar compared to the far less harmful restraint from wearing a harness.


The campaign followed the sad death from strangulation of Rev Matthew Hoddell who when escaping naked from a family home after the wife returned home earlier than expected, scaled the 8’ garden fence and may have escaped unnoticed if the lead attached to the dog collar hadn’t become trapped between the fence pickets.


The CoE accepted that had Rev Hoddell been wearing a harness, the lead would likely have become trapped between the pickets, but the harness would have prevented the airway restriction that led to his gruesome death.


Both the father and mother of the boy the vicar was visiting have expressed their appreciation that a common sense decision had finally been taken.


image from pixabay



First published 15 May 2022


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Moominpappa tools up as Finland joins NATO



As Finland prepares to join NATO, all the residents of Moominvalley are arming themselves to the teeth.


Quizzed about their state of readiness should the Red Army invade, Moominspokesman said, ‘We're like a snowy Viet Cong. Moominpappa now wears an ammo belt of grenades and is an expert with shoulder launched RPGs. Moomintroll, Snork Maiden and Snufkin can all assemble and disassemble an AK47 while blindfolded. Moominmamma’s handbag is full of knives and throwing stars. She can silently dispatch an entire platoon, whilst whispering 'The horror, the horror' like Brando.’


Moominspokesman continued, ‘It is imperative we preserve our Finnish values like heavy metal, Nokia 3210s and racing drivers. If those Russians try anything we'll send them to Hell's inky depths.'



First published 14 May 2022


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World’s largest gunrunner oddly concerned that we might not buy their guns



By a strange coincidence, suggested cutbacks to NATO spending have prompted a shrill response from the military–industrial complex. US diplomats are so aghast at reduced defence budgets, that the collective tightening of their sphincter muscles was mistaken for a Lockheed YF-12 taking off from an anus.


In response, the US Ambassador immediately flew to Brussels with free copies of ‘Gun’n’Ammo Monthly’ and a 2-for-1 voucher on nuclear deterrents. A Pentagon spokesman confirmed: ‘In this era of terrorism, it’s important that we are armed with the most high-tech weapons. God knows, the terrorists are. Mainly because we sold it to them.’


With an annual defence spend of over $1 trillion, the US might easily be accused of having a vested interest in the pursuit of war. However, one diplomat explained: ‘Liking guns doesn’t mean you like war. If you like porn, do you like sex? Bad example. Well, what about restaurants and food? Still no good? Hey, I like sport, but I don’t like the NFL. Whadaya mean American football isn’t a sport?!?’



First published 13 May 2022


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