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Toddler savaged by government watchdog


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There were calls for changes to The Dangerous Bureaucrats Act last night after a 3-year-old girl was admitted to Great Ormond Street Hospital suffering from wounds inflicted by a government watchdog that had been left free to roam in a London Park.


The toddler, who hasn't been named, suffered a number of sickening injuries which included being bored almost to the point of death by endless pontificating and mindless conjecture.


The mite was also badly mauled in front of a dim-witted tribunal of bumbling members of The House Of Lords who were so pissed on Glenfiddich and Wincarnis they didn't know if they wanted a shit or haircut.


The child's mother, looking visibly distressed, spoke briefly to reporters last night. "It's every parent's worse nightmare to see their baby subjected to an ordeal like this.


'We were thinking of buying her a small quango for Christmas but there's just no way now. She's so traumatised she no longer wants to listen to The Today Programme on Radio 4 and only last night she curled up into a ball and began shaking uncontrollably during the music to Question Time.'




First published 30 Dec 2021


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Government running out of melodramatic analogies for future variants


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Panic has set in at the highest levels of Government after it has become apparent they may have peaked too early with their overblown analogies for the spread of the Omicron covid variant.


After describing this newest outbreak as both a tidal wave and tsunami, essentially the same thing, they haven’t left themselves an awful lot of room when going completely over the top describing the remaining variants.


As Tom Gilbert, Minister for Overreaction, told us, “Omega should be the ultimate variant with descriptions to match. The Day After Tomorrow type event. Now, we’ve virtually done that with several variants still to go.”


With the Media relying on Whitehall for panic inducing headlines, it remains to be seen whether the Government can maintain hyperbole escalation for the next variant. Whatever their efforts though, the public knows it will just be Pi in the sky.



First published 29 Dec 2021


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Eton to offer ‘Muggle Studies’ courses


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Following an inspection by the Ministry of Magic, Eton College is to offer intensive training in Muggle Studies to prepare the next generation of Prime Ministers.


'Leadership in the twenty first century requires a degree of empathy with ordinary people' a spokesman told us. 'Who knew? It came as a massive surprise. We’ve been following the eighteenth century syllabus, which possibly explains why we keep sending gunboats to "deal with" refugees.'


'Pupils will learn about something called a "gas bill" and an "overdraft".'


'Oh, that one has caused some scratching of heads,' chuckled the spokesman. 'It’s a pretty advanced mathematical concept when you drill into it. You spend money you don’t have, but then instead of just getting more to plug the gap you increase the amount which you don’t have, until you reach a theoretical point where strangers are allowed to walk in and steal your possessions. Fascinating stuff.'


Rupert Fortescue-Smythe is prepping for his Grade 3 Northerner exam. 'I’m ok with the set texts and the technical studies – I can swear, walk like a Mancunian and quote passages from The Royle Family – but it’s the sight-reading I struggle with. Phrases like "eckerslike" or "youvegorrabekiddin" just don’t trip off the tongue. I’ve been practising with the staff. I really want to excel in this, so I can buy my own Northern town one day and really blend in.'


Wealthy families have been buying up chalets (terraced houses) in Liverpool so their offspring can cram for their Grade exams. They’re cheaper than a decent cello, though they don’t hold their value as well.


'I had to get on a bus yesterday,' said Fortescue-Smythe. 'It’s a magical conveyance. Buses can only go on their approved routes – you can’t just tell the driver to nip to Fortnum’s or whatever – and they smell funny because they have old people in them. A total stranger called me "love", it was amazing.'


The first empathic Prime Ministers will roll off the production line in 2024, just in time for the General Election.



First published 28 Dec 2022


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