The reputation of suspended Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly faced further scrutiny today after inconsistencies were revealed in his claims to have witnessed at first-hand the Battle of the Alamo in 1836. According to the Washington Post, this occurred 113 years before his birth, which ‘casts considerable doubt’ on his claim to be the only primetime news reporter behind the lines there.
As his succession draws nearer, Prince Charles fears that 66 years may not be enough time preparation for being monarch and is considering taking a year of ‘chilling out’ in some far-flung corner of the Empire beforehand, sleeping till midday in a cheap hostel and smoking skunk.
‘Look, I’ve done some things I’m not proud of, but who hasn’t’?’ said the malignant neoplasm, fiddling with someone’s DNA. ‘Isn’t it time for us all to move on? Plague doesn’t get such bad press anymore does it, and even Ebola is threatening to evolve.’
Stoke Mandeville hospital has updated its senior management structure to include ‘spineless’ in addition to two existing layers in place since the 1980s: upper management, responsible for anything they were informed about, and lower management, responsible for not informing upper management about anything.
Friends and neighbours in the Ealing were surprised today to find out that former greengrocer Albert Thomas, 85, was the ruthless ISIS executioner ‘Jihadi John’. ‘He was a quiet bloke,’ said one, ‘Not really the type you would expect to decapitate hostages in cold blood, video it and then broadcast pictures around the world.’