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Cardiff complain to League that Palace knew in advance that they were shit

Cardiff City have sent a 5-page letter of complaint to the Premier League arguing that their 3-0 defeat at the hands of Crystal Palace in early April should not stand. The Welsh club claim to have firm evidence showing that Palace staff knew in advance that Cardiff were shit. Lawyers for the relegation threatened club allege in the letter that Palace boss Tony Pulis had watched Cardiff City play in the run up to the fixture and had even watched them a bit on Match of the Day the previous week.

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Abu Hamza unable to play hooky in US courtroom

Islamist preacher Abu Hamza, born Mustafa Kamal Mustafa, has appeared at the US federal court in New York this week, minus his scary bits. Hamza lost his hands doing something that ‘went down a bomb in Afghanistan’ during the 1980s, however health and safety officials have ruled that he could not wear his trademark hook in court after concerns that he could ‘have someone’s eye out.’

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Clark Kent accused of hacking Superman’s voicemail

Daily Planet journalist Clark Kent was taken into custody today by Metropolis police officers after allegations surfaced that he’d hacked into the man of steel’s mobile phone voice mail in order to get exclusive scoops on his heroic escapades.

‘Phone records indicate he accessed messages hundreds of times in the last year alone’ said a spokesman for the city prosecutors office. ‘We’re confident we’ve got a strong case against him.’

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Pistorius ‘held in contempt’ for rubbish Parker impressions

In a dramatic legal twist today the trial of Oscar Pistorius was halted after the whole proceedings were judged to be ‘frankly taking the piss’.

The case was halted after Pistorius rather over-did the ‘Parker off Thunderbirds’ impressions that he had been coerced into as part of a plea bargain.

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‘I thought Polonius was an intruder’ Hamlet tells prosecution

The Prince of Denmark has told his murder trial that his future father-in-law, Polonius did not scream or shout as he took his sword and stabbed him through the arras.

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