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Sony to fire film reels into North Korea in retaliation

Sony has vowed to retaliate against the ‘unwarranted hacking’ of its computer system by North Korea by moving a battery of film reel launchers up to the 38th parallel. ‘If they think The Candidate was disrespectful, wait until we lob copies of Bad Haircut, one of Ryan Sommers Baum’s best roles,’ a spokesman said.

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Tension as office Christmas lunch fails to drag on beyond 3 pm

‘This is redlegless, wreckledess,’ said James Callahan. ‘I’m not getting laid, sorry paid, for being here, and I’ve had to play for the bloody meal too. It says it is only half-two now which is a parrotly too early doors for us to knock one off early, I mean knock off.’

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NRA pledges to give every African child a gun by 2018

The National Rifle Association has committed itself to alleviating ‘firepower poverty’ in the developing world. ‘There are children who’ll grow up without ever knowing the comfort of holding a warm firearm if we don’t take action now,’ said NRA spokesman Brent Maples.

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Password complexity to overtake poetry by 2020

‘Limericks won’t cut it’, said one IT insider. ‘They’re too predictable. Iambic pentameter will shortly be the minimum standard acceptable and even then users will need to show a wide range of metaphor and simile if they’re to defeat GCHQ’s computers.

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Africans ‘perfectly well aware it’s Christmas’

‘The choir in my church started singing carols a couple of weeks ago and that reminded me,’ said Jonas Chigumbure, who is one of the few non-churchgoers in his neighbourhood. ‘However, I hadn’t been aware they had done that awful song again – well, at least thank God it’s them instead of us, eh?’

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