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Cameron says bombing Syria will work as he has special Pokemon cards

Despite senior generals saying UK will need boots on the ground to fight in ‘Stalingrad’ operations; to topple ISIS Mr. Cameron says a couple of Tornadoes will do it as he has limited edition Charizard and a shiny Blastoise that will give them special powers.

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Davis Cup victory inspires the UK to rebuild its Empire

Buoyed on a wave of nationalistic pride and sporting disbelief, the Lawn and Tennis Association (LTA) has set out a series of measures to re-establish the UK’s imperial might and grass-court dominance. Following on from their first Davis Cup win in seventy nine years, the LTA will demand secession from the UN, a return to the Raj and the ‘head of Novak Djokovic’.

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Blue Peter competition winner to officially rename terrorist group

In the UK they’re ISIL, ISIS or just plain IS. In Germany they are called ISO, in France they are just plain old EI and our American cousins prefer the term, ‘muslims’. The group, itself, likes the name “Daesh” and this is becoming a problem for news media around the world.

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Man continues to use semicolons despite hopeless situation

An engineer from Gloucester has persevered with semicolons despite not receiving any recognition from his colleagues. David Fairly has admitted he wants to progress in his career and fortuitously regularly needs to separate two closely related independent clauses that are not already joined by a coordinating conjunction. In using semicolons within his sentences, he believed he would have the upper-hand against those who simply choose to use shorter sentences.

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Worst-Dressed Man 2015 won by ‘all cyclists’

‘We congratulate the cycling community for winning, but this award is partly for the designers of cycling accessories,’ announced the chairman of the judges, Mr Tim Ryan. ‘They have convinced a gullible public to wear ever more outrageous outfits simply by using words such as hi-vis and personal safety,’ he added, looking resplendent in a skin-tight luminous green number.

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