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Boko Haram ‘broke speed dating protocols’

‘In many respects, it’s ideal for us,’ said a spokesman. ‘It’s time-efficient, there’s no need for introductions and we can get right down to the business of dumping the lady in a sack. Nothing says fun-loving guy like a fundamental hatred of Western civilisation.’

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Parallel world lacks parallel bars

Dr Micky Schmidt of NASA says Earth2 has Hollyoaks, Subbuteo, Partick Thistle, the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, bees, both Brian Coxes and headlines dominated by a gravy woman who has just died

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Premier League to outsource match production to India

‘The move will mean we will be able to hold season ticket prices,’ said a spokesman. ‘Admittedly fans will have to travel to the sub-continent to actually watch the matches, but the brands will be the same and that is what really matters.’

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Ryan Air Force contract ‘a qualified success’

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has hailed the outsourcing of Britain’s air defence to Ryanair as generally successful, because the government no longer has to provide uniforms. Some had criticised the Ryan Air Force’s use of Airbus aircraft for interceptor roles as they can carry more crew, at the usual mark-up.

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MythBusters investigate whether masturbation can make you go blind

Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, creators of the science entertainment TV show MythBusters, have responded to repeated criticism that they are just overgrown kids playing with toys by investigating more grown-up topics, starting with the sticky topic of whether onanism affects eyesight.

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