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European leaders opt for war rather than face another Song Contest

European leaders have voted unanimously to initiate a global nuclear conflagration in the hope of finally bringing to an end the Eurovision Song Contest.

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Toddler rejects her gay mums

A two year-old stamped her feet and threw her dummy to the floor in protest at a Dublin yesterday, after seeing a Mothercare poster depicting a happy nuclear family and realising that she has two mummies and no daddy.

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Baker refuses to decorate ‘World’s Best Dad’ cake

‘At first I couldn’t understand why she had written such a thing,’ said Sonia Walkinshaw. ‘I know that Laura’s dad recovered from brain cancer and he did that charity climb on Kilimanjaro, but even so, no-one’s dad is better than mine.’

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Immigrants caused Kent earthquake

The combined weight of migrant workers arriving on Britain’s shores is causing the country to tilt, it has emerged, as areas of Kent were violently rocked by a small earthquake. The 4.3-magnitude quake caused teacups to rattle and flocks of ceramic ducks to fall off living room walls.

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Turkeys consider ending ties with Christmas

The leader of the Turkeys Union for Christmas (TUC), Cluck McCluskey, has said his union is considering ending its ties with Christmas. The Grand Old Bird Brain Leader, or ‘Gobbler’ as the leader of the TUC is known, had previously hinted that he would encourage his members to down feathers

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