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Rome II behind schedule, Vatican admits

Cardinal Barry McKenzie has confirmed today that the project to build a replacement for Rome was way behind schedule, noting that ‘nobody suggested it could be achieved in a day’.

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‘A&E targets could be met if we stopped treating patients,’ doctors say

‘We’ve made fantastic progress,’ said a senior A&E consultant, referring to the news that the NHS was missing fewer targets than in November. ‘First we started locking the doors, then we gave everybody a couple of aspirin and told them to fuck off. Most never returned, so they were clearly putting it on.’

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Britain mourns Saudi king by hanging prisoners at half mast

Human rights campaigners have condemned the British government’s decision to show solidarity with mourning Saudis by hanging prisoners at half mast. Shoplifters, car thieves and a woman who was once caught dancing are among those currently hoisted over palaces and government buildings.

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Patriots gather to commemorate Britain’s greatest queue

Commemorations are taking place in London today to mark the half centenary of what most historians agree to be Britain’s greatest queue. It is 50 years since thousands of patriots lined up outside Westminster Hall to view the body of some bloke who used to be the Prime Minister during World War Two.

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Nigeria comes to Britain’s aid over deficit

Osborne has entered a 100% risk free business relationship’ with Dr Umaru Shinkafi Egwuatu, director of the Nigerian Petroleum Trust Fund, for a share in a $600 million construction contract that Nigerian officials over-invoiced to the tune of $635.5 million with the intention of sharing the remaining $35.5 million among themselves

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