Comparison site to help Labour MPs

The comparison site U-Compare-Supermarket-Switch.com is to help Labour MPs to choose a new leader.

MPs can simply enter a few details and can quickly find out what kind of leader might suit them, ranked according to popularity, red wall appeal, alignment with manifesto commitments, left/right/centre appeal, northern appeal, opinion poll results and the availability of a courtesy car in case of a breakdown.

MPs will need to say when they expect to change leader, as the advice is time-critical.  Some options that may be available in the longer term aren’t an option if a new leader is needed very quickly.

Labour MPs will earn a disloyalty bonus if they choose a new leader through the site.  This could be a cuddly Wes Streeting toy, free tax advice from Angela Rayner, or simply a friendly wave from Andy Burnham.

Image credit: Wix AI

Vox pops from Makerfield

Our question: Do you think Andy Burnham will win the Makerfield seat?

The responses:

'Who? Which seat? Are you one of those BBC bastards who ought to be telling us how much Farage has had in corrupt donations this week; and why ain’t you telling us why he ain’t had his collar felt yet?'

'Andy Burnham? My mum loves him and has had a crush on him ever since he was in Oasis.'

'I think Andy Burnham would make a good MP for Makerfield, but I can’t understand how he can fit that in, if he’s flying round the world talking to Trump, Macron and Carney.'

'An election? Not anovvvvvver one!'

'Makerfield? You’re having a laugh, aincher? Nowt’s been made here since they pulled t’mill down and turned it into a field. When I grew up, this were all dark satanic mills… Those were t’days.

Image credit: Wix AI

Parliamentary Standards Committee wants to see the gift card

The Parliamentary Standards Committee is investigating the gift of five million pounds to Nigel Farage, before he became an MP.

‘We want to see the card,’ said a pale functionary.  ‘In our view, the nature of the card, and the sentiments expressed in it, are critical to determining if the gift was personal or tantamount to a political donation.

‘For example, if the card says ‘Happy Birthday Nige!  I’ve transferred some birthday money into your Swiss account – go wild!’, then that sounds more personal.  But if the card says ‘Remittance, for services to be rendered in the future, five million quid, please acknowledge safe receipt and provide a VAT invoice’, then it sounds a bit more businessy.

If the card has a cake, or a balloon, or bottles of fizz on it, then again, it seems more of a personal thing.  If the card has a picture of an England flag, or Clacton, or small boats in the channel, then one would construe that as being more political.

It’s entirely possible that Nigel didn’t keep the card. If you receive that sort of money on a regular basis, I imagine that the whole thing becomes a bit mundane.

Image credit: Wix AI (edited)