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Jurassic Park successfully cloned

Technicians at Legendary Pictures say they have succeeded in cloning Jurassic Park. ‘Jurassic World’- to be released in June – is the culmination of a 15-year project to resurrect one of the most profitable beasts in history.

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Cameron ‘not well enough’ to lose election

Doctors have declared that the Prime Minister must be allowed to continue in power on medical grounds. After carefully studying David Cameron’s low poll ratings, medical experts quickly diagnosed Dementia nonculpa, a close variant of the debilitating disease affecting Lord Janner. This terrifying condition produces a powerful immune response to any external threat affecting the [...]

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‘Mr Straight Banana’ to revive UKIP campaign

In an attempt to rejuvenate their stumbling general election campaign, UKIP have unleashed their secret weapon. ‘Mr Straight Banana’, who is eight foot tall and bright yellow, will accompany UKIP candidates to key marginals in the South-East.

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Strip snooker proposals causing controversy

‘From Round 3 every time a player loses a frame they will have to remove an item of clothing,’ said World Snooker Federation chairman George Winters. ‘By the latter stages of the tournament the losing player would be forced to either concede the match or play bollock naked’.

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Greenpeace praises ISIS’s low carbon execution methods

‘While Greenpeace would not condone violence – unless it’s a climate change sceptic and there are no cameras present – we must single out ISIS for their commitment to low carbon outcomes,’ said Greenpeace’s business spokesperson, Susan Mueslini.

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