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Radical new image set to change Clegg from lickspittle to dangerous maverick

Deputy Prime Minster Nick Clegg is set to unveil a radical change of image at next week’s Liberal Democrat Party conference. In an attempt to appear more enigmatic Clegg will deliver his leader’s speech wearing a patch over his right eye and a large scar on his left cheek.

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Fruit-picker promises jam in 6 years’ time

‘I don’t know why there’s no jam yet’, said a customer of the fruit-picker.

‘He’s been gathering our plums for the last 4 years. We’re renegotiating a fresh 5 year contract, and he says we’ll see some jam in 2020.’

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MPs to register photographs of their genitals

All MPs will be required to lodge photographs of their genitals with the Sergeant at Arms’s office. ‘Most MPs have at one time or another taken a selfie of their private parts, and this is a simple step to avoid the current issues related to the Daily Mirror,’ said a spokesperson for Hansard, who will publish the genitals before each parliamentary term.

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Doctor’s receptionists now better qualified than doctors, says NHS

‘It can be embarrassing at times,’ said one patient, ‘having to remove my trousers and underpants in the waiting room so that the receptionist could see the suppurating pustules on the end of my knob.’

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ISIS writes messages in sand to taunt US bombers over Ryder Cup defeat

It has emerged that Islamic State fighters have resorted to making disparaging comments about the United States heavy Ryder Cup defeat this weekend.

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