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Doctors warn of vile new summer parasite


"Summer is known to bring the risk of infection from the cryptosporidium parasite, flatworms and ticks," said a spokes-stephoscope for the Brutish Summertime Medical Association.


"But a new parasite has evolved which is a million times more malignant than any of those.


"We call it the Purecoldrage parasite. It thrives by sucking up all the anger, bile and hatred which lurks inside the minds of Britain's most grumpy people and then releasing it into the general population in massively concentrated doses - usually, just ahead of by-elections.


"You can protect yourself from the Purecoldrage parasite," advised the spokes-antidote, "by blocking Nigel Farage from all your social media feeds and turning off your telly whenever he comes on."




Trump hails massive US debt

Donald Trump is talking up the advantages of America's massive debts.



The US national debt is 39 trillion dollars, mostly borrowed from other countries. And the debt continues to get bigger, as government spending rises and the tax take fails to keep up.



The President said, 'Owing so much money gives the USA a massive advantage. Other countries must be very nice to us, or we might not pay the money back.'



The President appears to overlook the issue of debt repayment. The US does not have 39 trillion dollars in loose change, and the debts must constantly be refinanced - by borrowing more money from foreign governments.



The President's spending sprees show no sign of abating. He cites the Rachel Reeves strategy - borrow big now, spend big now (to secure votes for upcoming elections), and defer the tax rises that will pay for the spending into the future, preferably after the next election.



'If I owe you 39 bucks, then I've got a problem,' says the President. 'But if I owe you 39 trillion bucks, then you've got a problem.'


60% of children walking to school by 2035—the rest should drive themselves


The Government proposes that most kids should make active travel plans, while the others need to pass their driving license sharpish. Guidance includes strapping several lunchboxes to their feet to reach the pedals — the heavier the sandwiches, the safer the braking.




A Minister explained, "We will provide child-friendly routes, by attaching a small bell to the bonnet that rings louder the closer they get to doing something ill-advised. We'll install unnecessary buttons that control nothing, just to prepare them for adulthood, and replace the steering wheel with a large jam tart."




Meanwhile the rest will be on their shanks pony, with daily treks seen as character development— no longer "late," they’ll be "weathered and road-wise". It will foster imagination — because after enough miles, even a perfectly normal hedgerow begins to look like it might be home to a kidnapper or two. "And whether they walk, cycle or drive, they'll still have no hope at the other end."


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