NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

A&E depts missed targets for selling over priced Wispa bars for a whole year

In a crushing blow to the NHS balance of payments, it has been revealed today that all targets for the sale of curly ham sandwiches and ‘slightly foxed’ chocolate bars from dispensing machines in Casualty departments have been completely missed.

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Met Office issues amber ‘nyah, nyah, ne-nyah, nyah’

A spokesman from the Met Office admitted today that the earlier warning to ‘stay indoors’, particularly on Friday, was simply a ruse to clear the roads for their staff.

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Foreign students thrive in UK heatwave

The seasonally warm weather is giving those hosting teenagers from southern Europe welcome respite from incessant whinging.

‘Pedro and Sebastian are well mannered, lovely lads’ said Mrs Brown, 45, of Worthing. ‘However, we get pretty fed up with them constantly whining that they’re cold when it’s a positively balmy 19 degrees. They just do not get the concept of a good vest and cardigan.’

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Shortest ever middle-east ceasefire proposed

After countless ceasefires have been broken, UN peacebrokers are proposing a 30 second ceasefire, timed for 4am on a Tuesday, in the hope that this time all participants might be able to actually resist firing for the entire duration of the ceasefire, and it won’t be necessary to sigh and report about another ceasefire ‘broken’.

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Shock as Ofsted report finds pupil achievement ‘depends on intelligence’

After many years of analysis, research and data collection, Ofsted has finally determined that the overall final achievement level of children in UK schools is entirely dependent on how clever they are.

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