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Garden snail travels record 31.8 miles by air

Research on tagged snails by the University of Coventry’s Dr Brian Harrison has uncovered one snail was discovered near some lettuces and tossed over the fence by Mrs Brown into Mrs Pearce’s garden at number 38. This process appears to have been repeated some 2,000 times until the snail finally came to rest in a school field in Dudley.

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Jellyfish now UKs favourite animal says survey

The common jellyfish is now Britain’s favourite pet according to research carried out yesterday.

The creature moved from 1,5000,000th most popular creature in the UK right up to the coveted No1 spot, replacing kittens, puppies and meerkats as the nation’s favourite.

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Cardiff complain to League that Palace knew in advance that they were shit

Cardiff City have sent a 5-page letter of complaint to the Premier League arguing that their 3-0 defeat at the hands of Crystal Palace in early April should not stand. The Welsh club claim to have firm evidence showing that Palace staff knew in advance that Cardiff were shit. Lawyers for the relegation threatened club allege in the letter that Palace boss Tony Pulis had watched Cardiff City play in the run up to the fixture and had even watched them a bit on Match of the Day the previous week.

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Abu Hamza unable to play hooky in US courtroom

Islamist preacher Abu Hamza, born Mustafa Kamal Mustafa, has appeared at the US federal court in New York this week, minus his scary bits. Hamza lost his hands doing something that ‘went down a bomb in Afghanistan’ during the 1980s, however health and safety officials have ruled that he could not wear his trademark hook in court after concerns that he could ‘have someone’s eye out.’

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Clark Kent accused of hacking Superman’s voicemail

Daily Planet journalist Clark Kent was taken into custody today by Metropolis police officers after allegations surfaced that he’d hacked into the man of steel’s mobile phone voice mail in order to get exclusive scoops on his heroic escapades.

‘Phone records indicate he accessed messages hundreds of times in the last year alone’ said a spokesman for the city prosecutors office. ‘We’re confident we’ve got a strong case against him.’

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