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The news written by you…

Home-brewed morphine to replace Saturday night TV

Health Officials warned about the dangers of overdosing on morphine, but admitted that it is no worse than Britain’s Got Talent and a far more reliable form of pain relief than watching Come Dine With Me. It can also be taken in table form, whereas Big Brother only works as a suppository.

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Cannes also cracking down on short actors

Having courted controversy by requiring all women to wear heels on the red carpet, the Cannes Film Festival has now insisted that all pint-sized actors must bring their own pogo stick. Gone is the Golden Era of Hollywood, when Mickey Rooney could demand to be placed on a plinth and his co-stars were forced to saw their own legs off at the knee.

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BBC journalists get VIP tour of flagship Qatar prison

The Qatari government, keen to improve its reputation on human rights ahead of the 2020 World Cup, has allowed BBC journalists to witness its new detention arrangements at first hand. In a new era of welcoming foreign media reporting of the progress being made in the country, four BBC workers were treated to a two-night stay at His Majesty Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani’s pleasure.

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Tories to rebuild Hadrian’s Wall

The Conservatives have announced plans to rebuild Hadrian’s Wall in a massive new infrastructure project that will create up to 100,000 new jobs. Project costs of £50 billion will be met by scrapping the controversial HS2 rail project. The wall is to be modelled on the DMZ that divides North and South Korea and will be renamed the ‘Thatcher parallel’.

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Banks to repay mortgages now inflation is negative

‘It’s the only decent thing to do,” said Mark Carney, governor of the Bank of England, after announcing that inflation had turned negative and that consequently banks will be reimbursing mortgage payments. George Osborne immediately outlined plans to reimburse savers tax paid on their savings, backdated indefinitely.

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