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Nigeria comes to Britain’s aid over deficit

Osborne has entered a 100% risk free business relationship’ with Dr Umaru Shinkafi Egwuatu, director of the Nigerian Petroleum Trust Fund, for a share in a $600 million construction contract that Nigerian officials over-invoiced to the tune of $635.5 million with the intention of sharing the remaining $35.5 million among themselves

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Rabbits ‘have no intention of punching the Pope’

Despite Pope Francis’s provocative insinuation that their mothers breed ‘like Catholics’, a spokes-rabbit has confirmed that modern rabbits are mature and civilised enough to avoid violence. They will instead invite His Holiness to sit down with rabbit representatives and constructively discuss the different approach to birth control by mothers in the two species

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Goths getting in the way of fight against terrorism

Home Secretary Theresa May has published a new report that blames Goths for hampering the war against terror. ‘It would all have been over years ago if it wasn’t for the stupid bloody Goths posting all their self-harm and suicidal fantasies online,’ she said.

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Stacy’s mom ‘has let herself go’

Schoolboys would befriend Stacy, invite themselves round, then spend the afternoon ogling her mother as she lolled by the pool in her revealing red bikini. However, after Fountains of Wayne wrote ‘Stacy’s Mom’, Stacy’s mom went through an identity crisis.

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Chilcot inquiry delayed until after Wimbledon

Sir John Chilcot has written to David Cameron to confirm that the findings of his inquiry into the Iraq war will not be published until at least after this year’s Wimbledon. In the letter Chilcot stated that publication of the report was taking longer than expected due to ‘Christmas and all that’, then the looming prospect of a skiing holiday in Klosters.

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