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Cinemas to offer 50 Shades shag-along screenings

Cinema-goers will be provided with bondage gear, nipple clamps and other sado-masochistic sex toys so that they can play-along to the action on the screen.

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Green Party’s Natalie Bennett offers to mediate over Ukraine

Joking that she had recently been fighting ‘her own cold-war’ she has promised to create jobs, housing and economic stability for both countries with the addition of 17 million new jobs and luxury housing for those made homeless by the conflict.

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Superman to ditch cape amid health & safety concerns

‘After watching Madonna at the Brits the last thing I need is for my enemies to know that I have such a fundamental weakness’ Superman told the Daily Planet.

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Elderly woman has a fall

In front of an audience of millions, a frail 56 year old woman collapsed onto a nubile dancer – impaling him on a pair of spiked breasts. While the O2 crowd were shocked to see the young dancer bleed to death, the elderly Madonna Louise Ciccone survived the incident thanks the elasticity of a body made solely from silicone, collagen and an inflated ego.

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Politicians ‘not guilty’ of providing governance for votes‏

In a week when two ex-Foreign Secretaries have been accused of corruption, many around Westminster were gratified to discover that no politician had ever done ‘a day’s work’ in exchange for a parliamentary salary.

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