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Ebola promises to stop if Bob Geldof does

The highly contagious Ebola virus has issued a statement today announcing that it will stop causing pain and suffering throughout West Africa and the rest of the world if Sir Bob Geldof does the same.

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Small shops ‘ruining high street’, say shoppers

‘Grocery stores, card shops and florists are ruining our town centres,’ said one shopper, dismayed that she had to ‘fight tooth and nail for a parking space, had to wait ages to be served, couldn’t get any loyalty points when I did and had no chance of finding a decent charity shop to offload my junk in,’ following the closure of the local out-of-town supermarkets.

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DEFRA enter into an unholy alliance with Badgers

‘The game has changed,’ said a DEFRA spokesman, ‘this is ducks against humans. The Bovine Protection Army can shove its Badger Cull up its arse as far as we’re concerned.’

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NHS announces cull after outbreak of man ‘flu

At least 6000 layabouts are to be culled after a man exhibited symptoms of ‘man flu’ yesterday on a Yorkshire farm, having just returned from the seasonal ‘booze cruise’ migration.

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Labour Mission Control ‘fear we may have lost contact’ with Miliband

‘We’ve been trying to get through to Ed for some time,’ said a member of the shadow cabinet, ‘but we’re not sure messages are getting through. They seem to take about 28 minutes to reach him and apparently about the same to return, but that’s supposition, nobody’s waited that long so far.’

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