‘The choir in my church started singing carols a couple of weeks ago and that reminded me,’ said Jonas Chigumbure, who is one of the few non-churchgoers in his neighbourhood. ‘However, I hadn’t been aware they had done that awful song again – well, at least thank God it’s them instead of us, eh?’
‘It’s clinically proven,’ said Rachel Woodruffe, chair of the UK Homeopathic Medicines Association. ‘Take too many paracetamols and even the Guardian-reading liberals among us can suddenly start ranting about “Chinky peasant poofters”.’
‘This was an especially monstrous demogration,’ he declared. ‘I was on my way to consult an oculist for my dyxlesia when I saw a huge sign demoting a terrorist group right in the arse of Derbyshire’s beer country. I drove into the terrorist camp, which was hidden in an orchard, and took the Mr Binladen into custody.’
Despite criticism of its editorial slant to a very small demographic of middle-aged men with head injuries and a lack of interest in their long term futures, editor Dave Carson said that the driverless car is the future and that number of fatalities ‘has been massively exaggerated’.
NATS spokesman Michael Lovelace said: ‘Too many near misses and the programme locks you out. We either need 30,000 likes or one of the other NATS in Europe to send us a life. We’ve got our technicians updating Facebook and Twitter constantly in the hope we’ll reach the target by this evening.’