NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

Africans ‘perfectly well aware it’s Christmas’

‘The choir in my church started singing carols a couple of weeks ago and that reminded me,’ said Jonas Chigumbure, who is one of the few non-churchgoers in his neighbourhood. ‘However, I hadn’t been aware they had done that awful song again – well, at least thank God it’s them instead of us, eh?’

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Homeopathic medicines ‘have no homophobic side effects’

‘It’s clinically proven,’ said Rachel Woodruffe, chair of the UK Homeopathic Medicines Association. ‘Take too many paracetamols and even the Guardian-reading liberals among us can suddenly start ranting about “Chinky peasant poofters”.’

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Derbyshire cider maker arrested on terrorism charges

‘This was an especially monstrous demogration,’ he declared. ‘I was on my way to consult an oculist for my dyxlesia when I saw a huge sign demoting a terrorist group right in the arse of Derbyshire’s beer country. I drove into the terrorist camp, which was hidden in an orchard, and took the Mr Binladen into custody.’

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Driverless car magazine full of A&E tips

Despite criticism of its editorial slant to a very small demographic of middle-aged men with head injuries and a lack of interest in their long term futures, editor Dave Carson said that the driverless car is the future and that number of fatalities ‘has been massively exaggerated’.

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NATS ‘needs a life’ to reopen London airspace

NATS spokesman Michael Lovelace said: ‘Too many near misses and the programme locks you out. We either need 30,000 likes or one of the other NATS in Europe to send us a life. We’ve got our technicians updating Facebook and Twitter constantly in the hope we’ll reach the target by this evening.’

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