The Met Office today reiterated its warning that holding your head up high when you walk through a storm is ‘bad advice’, as Liverpool Football Club faces compensation claims from tens of fans for chapped ears, stinging eyes, and destroyed hairdos.
Royal Mail yesterday denied discrimination after turning down a student for the role of holiday cover postman due to his lack of ‘professional walking experience’.
Mark Pye, studying for an MSc, was left fuming when a 19 year old working for Royal Mail’s recruitment partner told him his CV failed to demonstrated the necessary experience of ‘putting one foot in front of the other whilst holding a bag’.
A North Sea haddock has spoken of her anguish after EU rules allowed a callous French fisherman to leave her bringing up two small mermaids on an income of four plankton a week, with no child maintenance payments.
Today programme presenter John Humphrys was crowned the surprise winner of this year’s Celebrity Masterchef. Humphrys won over the judges with a breakfast menu that included the Director General of the BBC sliced and diced, then served on a platter.
Adult entertainers throughout the world flocked to a crematorium in south London yesterday to pay their dues to Eric Swell, the last known purchaser of full-price pornography. Germans and Swedes rubbed shoulders in the packed chapel as Mr Swell’s coffin glided through the curtains to the moving strains of ‘slap funk bass incidental 5 – the plumber rings the doorbell’.