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Nicola Sturgeon vows ‘No more fishy surnames’

Scotland’s new first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, has vowed that she will not be continuing the practice of selecting senior SNP positions based on how fishy their surname is. Her announcement is widely seen as an attempt to distance herself from her predecessor, Alex Salmon.

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European Space Agency fines Philae Lander for negative TripAdvisor Review

A tourist has been fined 100 Euros by the European Space Agency (ESA) for leaving critical comments about them on travel review website Travel Advisor.

Mr Philae Lander posted the negative comments whilst holidaying on the ‘paradise retreat’ of Comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko.

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FIFA awards 1966 World Cup to West Germany

Independent FIFA Investigator Baron Deutschland von Uberalles has found against England in his investigation into the 1966 World Cup final.

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Ebola promises to stop if Bob Geldof does

The highly contagious Ebola virus has issued a statement today announcing that it will stop causing pain and suffering throughout West Africa and the rest of the world if Sir Bob Geldof does the same.

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Small shops ‘ruining high street’, say shoppers

‘Grocery stores, card shops and florists are ruining our town centres,’ said one shopper, dismayed that she had to ‘fight tooth and nail for a parking space, had to wait ages to be served, couldn’t get any loyalty points when I did and had no chance of finding a decent charity shop to offload my junk in,’ following the closure of the local out-of-town supermarkets.

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