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Police leave cancelled to deal with plastic bag riots

Having had all holiday leave cancelled in order to deal with the wrath of the free carrier bag-loving public, British police are arming themselves heavily against the expected violent backlash of Monday shoppers.

We can’t rely on the English taking the change in their stride like the Welsh, Scots, and Northern Irish’, an ACPO spokesman said today. ‘Not after losing the Rugby on Saturday anyway- we aren’t taking any chances’.

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NRA calls for more guns in Syria

America’s National Rifle Association has identified a lack of guns in Syria as the reason for the high number of deaths from shootings there. A spokesman said: ‘That mass shooting at a military checkpoint would never have happened if someone had already shot the people who did it.’

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Britain to seek reparations for Roman invasion

Britain has announced that it would be seeking compensation from Rome for occupying it from 49 and 410 AD. The move follows similar claims made by Britain against Scandinavia for the Viking invasions and against Normandy for 1066

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Rail electrification to be completed within 60 years of end of steam

Railtrack has announced that the electrification of the Midland Mainline and the TransPennine Express lines will begin again, less than half a century after the last scheduled steam train was withdrawn from service in 1968.

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Corbyn will engage enemy in interpretative dance if elected PM

Jeremy Corbyn has stated his defence policy, in the event that he is Prime Minister at the outbreak of a World War, will be to engage the enemy in interpretive dance. ‘We have a strong history of providing strong dancers, as evidenced by Strictly Come Dancing, and I feel that we could defeat any enemy hands down,’ he stated.

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