In a move aimed at filling the gaps between naturally occurring Royal births and deaths, the government is planning to replace existing Bank Holidays with a programme of Royal re-burials.
The UKIP Election Manifesto has pledged to restore the British Marathon and Opal Fruit brands as part of their campaign to reverse what they call a ‘foreign conspiracy [to] … rebrand all our beloved product names to things that sound stupid when we ask for them in a shop’.
A twenty metre bronze sculpture of a pair of English bollocks will be erected in Edinburgh’s George Square a week before the General Election. ‘The Bollocks We’ve Got England By,’ to give the artwork its full title, will show a pair of Union Jack testicles being painfully squeezed by a hand draped in a St Andrews Cross flag.
People who own televisions in Great Britain are really hoping that American TV viewers instantly take to James Cordon, so much so that they selfishly keep him Stateside and refuse to sell any show he’s involved with to any non-US broadcasters.
Following the statement that letters to the IRA providing immunity from prosecution shouldn’t be considered legal, a plethora of call centres have been contacting members of the public offering to obtain compensation.