NewsBiscuit

Flushed with pride at a string of positive comments from members of her party after her ‘brain fade’ moment on TV, Natalie Bennett, leader of the Green Party, has now asked her colleagues to come up with yet more ‘creative and exciting’ policies by adopting the technique. Members of the party’s executive will spend next week taking cold remedies and hitting each other with cricket bats to induce ‘brain fade’ ahead of the launch of its election manifesto next month.

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Police, teachers and the parents of three teenagers from Liverpool who have run away from home fear they may have been radicalised and travelled south to join the Conservative party. The three girls were last seen at Watford Gap services, wearing traditional Tory dress of yellow corduroy trousers, tweed jackets and a blue rosette.

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British stars were out in force at the Corrupt Politician Awards, held last night in a luxurious but secret overseas location at the UK taxpayers’ expense. Jack Straw and Malcolm Rifkind showed that British sleaze is still as strong as ever and were delighted to pick up the top prizes of lucrative contracts with companies that may or may not exist.

‘It makes you proud to be British’ said the BBC’s Nick Robinson, from beside the red carpet, where the M.P.s posed for photographs by putting their hands over their faces before going inside to be secretly filmed receiving their cash prizes. ‘Britain has shown it is a world force when it comes to dodgy politicians. It takes you back to the hey-day of British sleaze.’

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A report by an influential committee of schoolchildren has urged the Government do more to ensure the nation’s MPs get the sex and relationships education they need to form healthy relationships with others.

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Following its plans to break up Britain’s banks, the EU has announced controversial proposals to separate Facebook into two distinct ‘Sanctimonious Bullsh*t’ and ‘Stalking’ units.

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