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New Channel Tunnel back to North Africa unveiled

That'll sort itAfter months of top-secret excavation work, the results of a major Anglo-French construction project have been unveiled today: a brand-new extension of the Channel Tunnel that will take would-be migrants from Calais straight back to a currently undisclosed location in North Africa.

‘This has been a major engineering feat,’ David Cameron told journalists at a special opening ceremony. ‘A tunnel that runs along the English Channel, through the Bay of Biscay and around the Portuguese coast, before disgorging the hordes of asylum seekers back to roughly where they came from, must surely rank as one of the wonders of the modern world – at least, if the polls are right, in the eyes of most of Britain.’

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Salmond: Second Bannockburn ‘inevitable’

Tomorrow? Belongs to me, ya ken!In his usual, measured, non-inflammatory manner, the ex-leader of the Scottish National Party Alex Salmond has insisted he will soon retake Stirling Castle and shove a red hot poker ‘up the arse’ of David Cameron to avenge both historical and current slights on a proud and powerful nation.

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New Labour to release cover version of ‘Just Say No’ (to socialism)

Things can only get bitterNew Labour has announced it will reform and record a special charity single – a cover of the Grange Hill classic ‘Just Say No’ – to warn against dabbling in left-wing politics.

‘Back in the 70s and 80s a lot of my friends were regularly leaning to the left,’ New Labour frontman Tony Blair told a packed press conference. ‘To watch their voter base slowly fade away as they shrank into the shadow of opposition broke my heart so much that I felt I needed a transplant. I was determined to stamp it out in the 90s and now socialism has reared its ugly head again, it’s time to get the old gang back together, with the possible exception of Prescott, and do something.’

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London declares war on Yorkshire

Hague: "Your county needs you!"In a stunning new development in the fight against terror, London has declared war on Yorkshire. Citing the 7/7 bombings as justification, Prime Minister David Cameron said: ‘Yes, the bombers were all Muslims. But they were also all from Yorkshire, a fact which I don’t think has received enough attention until now.’

The Ministry of Defence expressed enthusiasm for the new strategy, a spokesman saying: ‘It’s a pain in the arse fighting bloody wars in the desert. The sand gets in everything. Yorkshire’s a much simpler proposition – we just need to give everyone a cagoule for the constant pissing rain.’

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Boots on the ground in Syria ‘could be problematic’, say pharmacists

IS there a placebo?The prospect of the UK putting ‘Boots on the ground’ in the Syria has once again been on the agenda this week after our recent participation in US air strikes. However, experts have questioned whether the pharmacist and general store’s winning formula could be successfully translated from high street to war zone.

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