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Ed Miliband returns from meditation retreat with powers of mind over matter

After spending the last three months in the wilderness of Nepal, Ed Miliband has returned and announced, at a packed press conference, that he now has full mastery of 100% of his mind and the ability to control remote objects by thought alone.

‘We do not have to accept the world as we find it. And we have a responsibility to leave our world a better place and never walk by once we release the full power of our minds,’ he stated. To rapturous applause he then levitated a plastic cup of water with his mind energy alone before gently setting it back down on the table.

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Corbyn’s younger brother Ed ‘still waiting for the call’

Ed Corbyn, younger brother of the new Labour leader Jeremy, has told reporters he is ‘sitting by the phone’ in case anything untoward befalls his elder sibling.

‘I know things have all pretty much settled down now, but I just want to make sure everybody has my number,’ he said at a sparsely-attended press call on the fringe of the Labour conference in Brighton. ‘You know, I’m here any time, just say the word. The word being “challenge”, of course,’ he added, winking.

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Britain commemorates end of first week of David Cameron pig sex jokes

Events have been taking place across the country to mark a week since the news broke about David Cameron and the Piers Gaveston society, with celebrations honouring the many different ways in which ordinary people communicated the fact that the Prime Minister had sex with a dead pig’s face.

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Cameron ‘passed the port to the right’

New revelations about David Cameron’s student days claim that he ‘wantonly’ passed port in ‘an anticlockwise direction’.

An unnamed source, now a High Court Judge, described an occasion when Cameron allegedly attempted to fill his glass, despite being on the wrong side. ‘Naturally, I enquired whether he knew the Bishop of Norwich – this being the most direct way a gentleman may point out such a faux pas – but Cameron persisted in topping me up. With port I mean, not the other thing’.

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Extremist Corbyn’s vile hobby: collecting trade union memorabilia

The Labour Party sank to a new low today, and virtual civil war broke out on the opposition benches following revelations about the sick and depraved hobby of very, very, left-wing leader Jeremy Corbyn. The socialist demagogue who seized control of the Labour Party earlier this month following a so-called ‘landslide election’ now looks less electable than ever as it was revealed he liked to collect little enamel badges from various trades unions down the decades.

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