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House of Commons ‘black-eyed babbling ghoul’ turns out to be Ed Miliband

The Phantom of the Parliament. 'A shadow of himself...'Former Home Secretary Johnson Alan Johnson revealed today that the spectral, black-eyed ‘lost soul’ seen haunting the corridors of the Palace of Westminster over the last few months is, in fact, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband.

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Milliband to try beer

it's more than half full!Labour leader Ed Milliband will try beer, allegedly for the first time, in a bid to woo a wider voter profile. ‘One thing I do like about this pint of beer thing is you get so much!’, said Milliband, dismissing rumours of him being an ‘ale virgin’ who is scared of public houses which might contain public opinion. ‘People are understandably concerned about people coming here from, well abroad, really, and the pressures that puts on our economy. So that makes beer something I have a lot of time for. A pint, that’s nearly an armful!’ joked the Labour leader.

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Emergency services rehearse for possible major outbreak of UKIP

almost every precaution taken to avoid UKIP, but is it too little too late?Every UK emergency service and the border agency took part in a coordinated exercise yesterday to test their readiness if the worst case scenario of UKIP spreading within the country and taking hold in the coming months actually happens.

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‘The only way is Essex’ confirms Farage

This could be their finest hour‘The people have spoken, and we have heard their voices loud and clear,’ said Nigel Farage on the phone after the stunning UKIP victory by Douglas Carswell in the by-election in Clacton on Sea, Essex, before saying; ‘Yeah, see you later, babe’, hanging up his mobile, downing a couple more pints for courage and planning his next trip to try it on with another easily obtainable bimbo, anywhere else.

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Government vows to recapture information

Householders have been warned to ‘stay indoors and keep away from the internet’ by government experts worried about the dangers of information. Considerable amounts of information have escaped since the Freedom of Information Act came into law and much of it is potentially hazardous to the general public.

‘It isn’t always safe to let information roam free,’ said a Home Office spokesman. ‘The British people haven’t really developed much of an immune system where government information is concerned. This sort of thing may work in America, which has been governed by oiks for centuries, but the British have always shown proper deference.’

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