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Old dogs no longer funded for trick-based education

might as well just curl up and sleep on it in front of the fireThe Department for Business Innovation and Skills (BIS) has decided to cut 24% from the adult education budget to remove a culture of just ‘fetching sticks’ and looking cute. Instead, College courses will target young pups: ‘…and if they’ve not learned to catch a Frisbee in their teeth by 19, then they’ll never do it’.

A BIS spokeswoman said: ‘While we applaud adult learner’s ability to sit, heel and lick their own balls; the truth remains that many have failed to learn any new tricks. When was the last time you had someone in their thirties bring you your slippers? Too often they shit on the carpet and dry hump your leg.’

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TV debates to be settled by ‘head punching contests’ say Broadcasters

all in the name of entertainment for the massesTV broadcasters have decided to ditch the debating format trialed in the 2010 election in which leaders debated policy and outlined pledges and will replace it instead with a series of ‘head punching contests’, confirmed Sue Inglish, Head of Political Programming at the BBC.

The move has been welcomed by the right wing media who have long complained that a lefty liberal elite from north London have been allowed to set the tone for the forthcoming election. Right wing media groups say the election should not be settled by ‘some Islington pinko shirt lifter debating policies about EU membership or immigration’ but by two grown men punching each other in the face until one of them cries.

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MPs say they should remain anonymous until charged with sex offences

Nothing to see here. Move along.As investigations into establishment child abuse drag on, members of Parliament’s Double Standards Select Committee have decided that Operation Yewtree’s method of allowing the media to name suspected celebrity paedophiles to help encourage other victims to speak up would be ‘inexcusable’ if it were applied to cases involving Right Honourable sex offenders.

Committee chairman Keith Vaz said the proposed reform was ‘long overdue’ now that the voting public’s focus has largely shifted from common celebrities to the Westminster establishment.

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Cameron promises not to serve a third term. Voters helpfully rule out a second

his goose is cookedIn an attempt to manage public expectation, the Prime Minister has said he will not be swayed into staying in office, regardless of any mass displays of affection. Meanwhile, nonplussed voters assured Mr. Cameron that no such displays had been planned; unless he meant the voodoo doll, abusive graffiti or the barrels of gunpowder stored under the House of Commons.

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Millions watch idiot UKIP candidate totally ‘eclipse’ idiot UKIP leader

Vote UKIPSchool children, wearing protective goggles, were yesterday treated to the rare glimpse of Nigel Farage’s face been obscured in tabloid papers by reports of a fraudulent UKIP colleague, Janice Atkinson.

The expenses scandal of the MEP for England’s South East covered most of The Sun, which would normally be seen across the UK, shining out of Rupert Murdoch’s posterior.

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