NewsBiscuit

As passenger airlines are shot down, the Middle-East descends into even greater chaos and American Idol enters its 13th season – all the portents are shaping up nicely for a global Armageddon.

Against the backdrop of a geo-political tsunami, William Jefferson Hague has announced his decision to resign as the UK’s Foreign Secretary, retire as an MP next election and focus on building a ‘start-of-the-art Anderson shelter’ in his back garden.

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Brazil has come out united in the fact that it’s the country’s disgraceful levels of poverty and inequality we should all really be focusing on.

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George Osborne has commissioned an immediate inquiry into why the cover-up of alleged child abuse by high profile Westminster figures did not work.

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Details were emerging last night that Jimmy Savile may have been even more revoltingly criminal than anyone had previously imagined. The latest allegation is that he may have ‘advised’ David Cameron. A police spokesman said: ‘This simply beggars belief and will be hard to bear for the victims, of which there will be a staggering number.’

Cabinet Office officials have admitted that Savile may have been granted unfettered access to dead or dying government policies. He was known to have an abnormal interest in ‘going over figures’, and liked to visit the Treasury where many differently-abled individuals were being cared for.

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The long-awaited report by the Chilcot inquiry, set up in the wake of the Hundred Years’ War, which ended in 1453, is now unlikely to be published until next year, it has been revealed. The inquiry, which has been sitting for 561 years, was set up to examine the legality of the decision to go to war in 1337 in order that lessons could be learned and future foreign policy blunders prevented.

‘I am confident my report will soon see the light of day,’ said Sir John Chilcot, now aged 617. ‘The British public deserves to know the truth about why their fourteenth-century ancestors were led into war, and whether this decision was compatible with the Magna Carta.’

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