NewsBiscuit

European Union leaders have made their first common statement on the Ukraine crisis, warning Russia that its actions leave them no choice but to be ‘really, really frosty’ at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.

‘The aggressive action of the Russian government towards a sovereign European state is unacceptable,’ the statement reads. ‘We are all completely in agreement that, unless the Crimea is returned to Ukrainian control, we will make things really, really awkward in the green room at this year’s Eurovision, make no mistake. We will certainly not cheer when the Russians come on, we will wave no Russian flags, and if anybody votes for them we will tut, not just firmly, but audibly.’

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The Conservative Party has decided to rebrand itself as ‘The Workers Party,’ following poor opinion poll ratings among low-waged workers in marginal constituencies.

They have also been urged by constituency MPs to replace the party’s logo – currently a green tree – because it no longer reflects the party’s aspirations and the leader’s determination to ‘get rid of all this green crap.’

A backbencher has suggested adopting a boot as the party’s new symbol, to suggest sympathy with hardworking Brits who, as a consequence of the global economic crisis of 2008, have had to show resilience and fortitude by pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. However, a graphic design consultancy asked to submit some preliminary images said it was difficult to make the bootstraps stand out in silhouette, and suggested the party might prefer to use the more classic outline of a military jackboot instead.

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The British Government has completely disappeared, according to reports from Westminster. Downing Street is said to be deserted and Whitehall offices abandoned.

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Just when schadenfreude, infidelity and ginger-karma appeared to have caught up with Mrs Brooks, fate and the High Court have stepped in to clear her of one of five counts of conspiracy. Her legal team attributed this pyrrhic victory to the mitigating circumstances of their client having consorted with an Anthony Charles Lynton Blair and in the spirit of Page Three were quick to make a clean breast of the matter.

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The world’s most famous flooded metropolis entered its fourth millennia under water this week as civic leaders claimed they had been totally overlooked by David Cameron’s government.

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