NewsBiscuit

With strong support from the CBI, the OECD, IMF, World Bank and heads of the G20 nations, Mervyn King will shortly be appearing next to Gordon Brown everywhere he goes and pointing out on the spot when the Prime Minister says something that might be just ‘a teensy bit wrong’. Armed with his own assessments from the Bank of England and detailed analyses and forecasts from the other agencies, Mr King will be able to swiftly put the record straight when the PM says something daft like ‘we can just print all the money we want’.

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George W. Bush is on the verge of realising that he is no longer President of the United States, former First Lady Laura Bush told reporters this week.

‘He’s nearly there,’ Mrs Bush revealed at the Bush ranch in Crawford, Texas, where the family have been living since leaving the White House in January. ‘I think the penny may finally drop in the next few weeks that he isn’t the leader of the free world any longer.’

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Gordon Brown’s appointment of celebrity businessman Alan Sugar to his government backfired yesterday when the star of The Apprentice summoned the Prime Minister to the board room and declared ‘You’re fired!’

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British voters have forced the leader of the British National Party Nick Griffin out of the country after electing him as a member of the European Parliament as a wind up. ‘Now they’re saying they want me to go and work with hundreds of disgusting foreigners’ Griffin whined.

In his victory speech, the tearful BNP leader complained that his so-called supporters ‘didn’t care about his feelings’ and admitted that he hadn’t really thought it through. ‘Don’t make me go and sit with those smelly Europeans’ he pleaded. ‘They’ll speak to me in their funny languages and make me eat hummous and garlic and all that. I don’t know what I was thinking.’

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British voters casting their votes in the elections for the European Parliament have sent a clear message to the politicians that they are solidly against them ‘going on about really complicated stuff that we don’t really understand’. A demand for simpler, more straight forward issues is the recurring theme that is emerging from the results across the country.

‘How would the European Charter of human rights affect employment prospects in Britain’s service industries?’ asked Colin Taylor one of the voters interviewed outside his polling station on Thursday, ‘I haven’t got the foggiest; it’s all far too subtle and nuanced for me, and I deeply resent the fact. For this reason I’ll be making a futile protest vote with one of those extreme little parties who have clearly thought about all that stuff even less than I have.’

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