NewsBiscuit

After decades of embezzlement, corruption and ‘world-class douchebaggery’, the House of Commons has managed to eliminate shame in all but extreme circumstances. While Culture Secretary Maria Miller had to be wrestled to the ground by Black Rod and sat upon by the Deputy Speaker in order to elicit the ‘mildest apology’, other MPs have confessed to not being ‘remotely mortified’ when caught ‘farting in a lift’, ‘masturbating in front of their parents’ or ‘voting for’ any Coalition policy.

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Crestfallen Nick Clegg has been advised by his publicists to adopt a more ‘ruthless approach’ in all future live debates, by resorting to ‘mum jokes’ when backed into a corner by his opponent.

Clegg’s recent debate with UKIP’s Nigel Farage on Britain and the EU, televised live on BBC Two, resulted in UKIP storming home with a massive 68% of votes in a snap YouGov survey, leaving the Lib Dems with no other choice than to court the ‘mum joke’ vote.

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After years of intensive searching, a team of scientists believe that they have located the ‘black box’ at the heart of the Labour government during Gordon Brown’s premiership from 2007 to 2010.

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‘The current system of cock-ups is complicated and confusing,’ said the Work and Pensions Secretary. ‘Even I have trouble keeping track of them all.’

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A budget which promised help for savers, free access to pension funds to lend to the government through new bonds, and tax-free savings up to £15,000 in an ISA failed to explain the whole picture, analysts have revealed.

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