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Scotland to be allowed to choose their own plot directions in EastEnders

'it ain't wurf it'In yet another concession towards Scottish nationalists, Westminster has announced that from Summer 2015 Holyrood will be able to take control of plot and character development in the version of EastEnders broadcast in Scotland.

Although filming will remain at Elstree in London, editorial control for the two parallel versions of EastEnders will be split between White City and the BBC studios in Glasgow. Critics have claimed this will cause a huge amount of disruption to the show with parallel, yet overlapping plot lines meaning more work for actors, crew and writers, within an already tightly-constrained production schedule. There are also fears that none of the issues raised between the much-loved characters will ever now be satisfactorily resolved.

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Disaffected UK extremists ‘may not be allowed to re-join the Conservative Party’

...won't be allowed abroad either, not that they would ever want to leave UKThe Prime Minister today announced a new raft of measures designed to combat the threat of Britons joining the shadowy extremist group UKIP, including removing the right of those individuals to later return to the Conservative Party.

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Miliband to acquire white van and visible bumcrack

‘As it goes I favour the Transit, long wheelbase. It’s a classic innit. None of your foreign shite, Renault or whatever, as driven by some Latvian with a PHd in Economics, a thriving decorating business in Chigwell and a brother on benefits and probably out grooming or dogging most nights. Send ‘em back where they belong, is what I say, subject to the Human Rights Act and existing EU Legislation and the employment needs of a newly recovering economy.’

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Miliband declares victory in US Midterms‏

Apparently Mr Miliband 'whupped their asses real good'Much to the surprise and delight of the Labour faithful, their leader announced sweeping gains in the US Senate today. Despite being separated by a political ideology and 3000 miles of Atlantic Ocean, Ed Miliband was able to take the credit for the Republican Party’s recent success and for becoming the first British female solo artist to have five number one singles in the UK.

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Law of Averages to be repealed

'That's just mean,' say commentatorsThe government has denied that it has run out of sensible policy ideas after announcing that it is to use parliamentary time before the next election to repeal the Law of Averages.

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