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World’s second largest diamond found inside Theresa May’s anus

With the threat of terrorism and the Tory leadership slipping from her grasp – the rectal area of the Home Secretary is now the perfect geological location for the environmental conditions needed for creating diamonds. Considered to be the most ‘uptight’ place on Earth, the lower bowel of Mrs May can assert more pressure than Roy Hodgson feels when seeing a Spanish team sheet.

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Cameron announces variety of fun ministerial vehicles

Following on from the news that Prime Minister David Cameron and his senior ministers are to get their own plane for official trips, Downing Street have also announced a flurry of new ministerial vehicles.

All senior ministers will have access to a fleet of Maybach chauffeur driven cars (provided by Knight enterprises); a refitted train (believed to be formerly the Hogwarts express); a luxury ministerial yacht and speedboat; a number of ‘Airwolf’ helicopters; and Thunderbird 2.

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Terrorist funding finally hit by austerity

Speaking at the G20 summit, World Leaders have agreed to cut financial support for terrorists, which many would agree was an odd funding priority in the first place. Western democracies will now trim back on their involvement in financial loopholes which so often subsidize terrorism; however a spokesman for David Cameron was quick to reassure business leaders that we would still be selling them ‘plenty of guns’.

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Cameron protests strongly to himself over cuts

David Cameron has written a stern letter to Prime Minister David Cameron, complaining about cuts to public services.

Cameron, who is on the verge of implementing a further round of swingeing cuts, was scathing about his behaviour, saying that it was “unacceptable to be cutting front line services at this difficult time”. However, Cameron has delivered a stinging rebuke to himself, accusing him of “hypocrisy” and challenging him on how to provide the money to run “the kind of quality services that the voters of this country have come to expect”.

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Thatcher sex toy is saved for the nation

A latex sex toy used by Margaret Thatcher during her time as PM is to go on display at the V&A confirmed excited museum officials. The 9” black dildo – known affectionately as Ronnie – was rescued from sewers below 10 Downing Street after plumbers were called to unblock a drain.

It is thought that Mrs Thatcher may have flushed the sex toy down the toilet on the day she left Downing Street for the last time. Historians now think the tears she shed on the doorsteps of Number 10 on that final day in November 1990 may have been for the loss of her beloved Ronnie – and not because she had been deposed as Tory leader as previously thought.

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