Labour to rename Asylum Seeking as Emergency Holibobs

A Labour spokesperson today has announced plans for the renaming of the process of seeking asylum as 'Emergency Holibobs' and of asylum seekers as 'Unexpected Campers'. An unconfirmed source also said there were plans to rename asylum hotels as 'Hi-de-hi Holibobs Camps'.

'It is clear the British public are seeking clarification around the process of seeking asylum; those seeking it; and what we can afford to extend to them during their temporary stay', said Felicity Rhodia, the newly crowned Emergency Holibob Chief Yellow Coat. 'We can confirm today the change in nomenclature to engender a less confrontational set of terms that will hopefully puncture the current atmosphere of distrust and suspicion. Hi de hi, campers!'

New services for Unexpected Campers will extend to ballroom dancing tuition; talent competitions; local excursions to volunteer for fruit picking and manual labour; and shuffleboard.

Ms Rhodia concluded, 'Come on everyone, let's make the best of fleeing for your life in terror!'

Image credit: perchance.org

Panic as Trump says he's entering his 'Final Form'

Scenes of panic and fear gripped the White House, and the watching US public, as Donald Trump delivered a terrifying vision of the future, yesterday. After the press conference commenced, Mr Trump suddenly seemed to hover a foot above the floor whilst screaming then ripped off his suit jacket and shirt revealing the dark discolouring on his hand seeming to rapidly grow up his arm and across his body.

As this happened, he began, in his usual tone, 'witness pitiful mortals, and you really are pitiful, everyone is saying it, as I enter my final vengeful form. It's a fantastic form, some people are saying it's the best form they've ever witnessed. I may get nominated for a Nobel Final Form Prize, we don't know yet. But whatever happens, we're going to get you, you can't hide. I'm the best seeker. Now, the countdown to your firing begins."

With this he suddenly spouted leathery, blackened wings and, with a fiery flourish, smashed through the Press Room window and was last seen perched atop the Washington Monument eyeing Hispanic passers-by.

The US Vice President, JD Vance, said, 'as usual our President shows us the way forward. We will be introducing legislation soon to encourage everyone to reach their demonic final form or be deported to the desperate pits of hell….' The conference was then interrupted by hellish screams coming from Washington Plaza. The President's team made a speedy retreat to confer on next steps.

This is a breaking story, more soon….

Image credit: perchance.org

Bond comes out of retirement to warn Rachel Reeves

A smartly dressed man ordered a martini for Rachel Reeves, asking it to be not stirred, but very shaken.

‘The name’s Bonds. Government Bonds.

‘Your polishies are a dishaster.  You’ve borrowed too much.  You’re shpending too much. I’m Government Bonds, and I’ve come out of retirement to warn you to turn back.  My interest levels in your activities are very high – the highest they’ve been since 1998. They’re heading towards 007 per cent.

‘Don’t try and laugh that off. That period since 1998 includes the Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng debacle, Brexit, and the whole Boris Johnson evil supervillain thing.

People are shkared. They are saving all their money, and they're worried about a tax bombshell.  Government spending is up, living costs are up, taxes are up, the games up. Turn back now, or everything will blow up.

And why are you stroking a fluffy white cat?

Image credit: perchance.org