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Man in shock after his conservatory defects to Reform


“I can’t believe it,” said Terry Marsden, a 44-year-old wellness plasterer from Dagenham. “I came downstairs this morning and made myself the first cuppa of the day in the kitchen. I opened up the bifolds to the conservatory, sat down with the paper, and realised there was no roof. Worse than that, it was tanking down with rain. I looked up and realised the conservatory had completely gone — and I mean completely. All 4.0 x 5.5 m of it, including the responsibly sourced timber and 28 mm double glazing.


All I found was a note saying it had defected to Reform. If you ask me, it’s gone mental and I’m well rid of it.”



A Reform UK spokesfuhrer denied the conservatory was a waste of space. "Several lavatories have already defected and we welcome a senior conservatory to the ranks. This is exactly the kind of experience we need, together with fully insulated sandwich panels, if we are going to run the country."



The ICE Barbie School of Creative Excuses


Can't think up a good excuse for missing work a second day running? Or for rolling home drunk on your anniversary without a gift for your wife and with lipstick on your collar?


You need to sign up at the ICE Barbie School of Creative Excuses.


This is the woman who stunned the world by saying that Minnesota mum Renee Good, who was shot by ICE agents while driving away in her car, was a domestic terrorist trying to run them over.


ICE Barbie, aka Kristi Noem, then went one better by saying that ICU nurse Alex Pretti, who was shot several times on the ground by Border Patrol agents, was on the verge of killing them all with his phone and a gun still in its holster. And, naturally, she called the slain man a domestic terrorist.


"Our policy with domestic terrorists," Barbie told the press, "is to shoot first and think up vile excuses after."


"The greatest excuse of all," gushed a current student at the ICE Barbie School, "was her excuse for making all these outrageous excuses. She said Trump and his henchman Stephen Miller had told her to say them.


"Barbie's like a cockroach," the student continued to gush. "She is utterly incompetent and thick but her ability to tell jaw-dropping lies to keep herself out of trouble makes her indestructible."


The student in question, one Kemi Badenoch from London, had enrolled at the ICE Barbie School to learn how to explain away the defection of 23 current and former Conservative MPs to Reform UK.



Trumpton to rededicate its highest honour to Donald Trump


The Tumptonshire mayor's office today confirmed it is taking back its highest honour, The Camberwick Shield, recently awarded for services to the village of Camberwick Green to the ever popular flour grinder, Windy Miller. The shield will then be rededicated to President Donald J Trump.


Speaking on the Trumpton Today Programme the mayor said: 'It is only right and proper we should give this honour to President Trump for his great contribution to the twenty-first century. No one has done so much for stop motion animation as he has. The shield will be awarded by Trumpton's highest military figure, Captain Flack, during a glitzy ceremony to be held at the bandstand on February 5th.


Details are as yet unconfirmed, but it's understood as part of the celebrations there will be a fire fighters' drive past with Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb all aboard their gleaming red fire engine with its bell ringing out loud and clear. 


On hearing the news President Trump told reporters, 'This is a real smart move by the Mayor's office. The smartest. People are telling me that because everyone knows I deserve it. Nobody has done as much for Tumptonshire as I have. Can anybody deny it?"


When there was no response from the assembled hacks, Trump busted out several classic robot dance moves then continued. 'That's right. Even Brian can't.'


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