Illegal US immigrants to be given $1 billion and a palace

Legal migration to the US has tanked on the news that illegal migration is far more lucrative.

A Brazilian man has found that if all known legal reasons for entering the US are flaunted, America will give you more cash than can be leaf blown and a substantial estate.

'I have been granted access to the National Parks of California to indulge my dream of burning vast areas of protected forests,' he confirmed. 'In addition, I've been afforded the personal security protection of 20,000 ICE agents.

'I merely mentioned that I would also like a little privacy, and they threw in a getaway all to myself on Epstein Island.

'America is the most welcoming and generous nation on Earth. It is truly the land of the free rapists. Everyone should come here illegally.'

Image: WixAI

Don Dastardly's evil plots flop in Wacky Election Races

'Drat, drat and double drat!' spat US President Don Dastardly, stamping his feet in rage as Lula avoided the tin tacks he'd scattered on the road and cruised to victory over his far-right opponent in the Brazilian election.

'It's all your fault, you snickering, hillbilly hound!' he shouted at his sidekick, JD 'Muttley' Vance, giving him a swift clip round the ear.

In the latest episode of the Wacky Election Races, Don Dastardly was seen spreading oil across all the roads leading to the Knesset to cause every politician in Israel to swerve and crash besides his beloved ally, Benjamin 'Indicted for War Crimes' Netanyahu, driving the Genocidal Likudmobile.

Don and Muttley were also spotted building a catapult to launch Marine Le Pen and the AfD to ill-deserved election victories in France and Germany.

'It's going to be a hard-right turn for everyone if my villainous plots succeed!' Dastardly cackled.

Image: WixAI

Trump demands place on all paint colour charts

'I know they're never going to honour my name after I've left the White House,' Donald Trump told a paintmakers' conference in Dulux, Pennsylvania. 'They'll demolish the Trump ballroom and turn the Trump-Kennedy Centre back into the boring old Kennedy Centre.

'That's why I want you guys to immortalise the name 'Trump' by making it a colour on your paint charts.

'Trump's gotta be bright red, like my ties and my hats,' ranted the President. 'I mean, a really insanely lurid shade of red - somewhere beyond High on Amphetamines Traffic Light red and Red Alert: This Plane Is Going To Crash Dive red.'

'I also want orange like my skin. And white, like my skin. And gold - I love gold. All the gold. So much gold.... And I want black like the void where my heart should be.'

'I guess we had no choice except to go ahead and do what he wanted,' grunted a spokes-brush for the Guild of Servile American Paint and Dyestuff Makers, 20 minutes after Trump's speech. 'He said he'd put huge tariffs on us if we didn't.

'Our only question is, who the hell is going to be deranged enough to decorate their house in MAGA red?'

Latest reports indicate that 77 million completely deranged Trump voters had put in orders for the repugnant new paint.

Image: stux - Pixabay