Trump lawsuit shuts down the BBC

Faced with a five billion dollar legal claim from Donald Trump, the BBC has closed down.  'The BBC has no assets to speak of,' said a spokesman.  'Even the test card is owned by someone else.  There's nothing left.'

Now that the BBC has closed down, Donald Trump will not be able to recover any damages, and the BBC will not defend the case. 

Viewers need not worry, however.  All of the BBC's staff will be taken on by a completely unrelated new body called BBC (2025) Limited.  The new body will take over certain assets from the old BBC, but will neither take on responsibility for that Panorama program, nor liabilities such as the Trump lawsuit.  The new BBC has promised to minimise disruption for viewers by honouring the schedules and programmes of the old BBC. The government has confirmed that BBC (2025) Limited will be able to receive funding from the licence fee.

A spokesman for the old BBC said, ‘We regret that the reckless actions of a greedy and malicious orange man-baby has killed off the BBC. Long live BBC (2025) Limited.’

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Starmer scours the shops for that must have Xmas present

There is always one thing at Christmas that turns out to be the ‘must have’ present and is nowhere to be found.

Remember searching for that Tracy Island toy, or Pokémon, or Cabbage Patch dolls?

Everyone is afflicted, even the Prime Minister.  Keir Starmer’s top team are scouring all the shopping centres inside the M25 on his behalf.  And Keir himself has taken a long lunch break to search the shops on Oxford Street in London.  All to no avail.

Keir is desperately searching for the perfect Christmas gift for the UK electorate.  It is called ‘good news’, but this has been in very short supply since June 2024.  Keir has come close to finding some good news, but at the last minute it is always snatched from his grasp.  He’s even tried sourcing good news from overseas, but without success.

The ending of the two-child cap seems like good news, but if you don’t also raise the benefits cap, then it’s not as good as it looks.  Supporting our pubs seems like good news, but successive hikes in minimum wage and whacking up business rates have ruined that one.  Inflation coming down seems like good news, but if the price of food keeps going up, then that’s not so good.  Reducing electricity bills by £150 also seems like good news, but if you then load on all the costs of upgrading the national grid, then the good work is undone.

So, the search continues.  Good luck, Keir.  Only seven more shopping days to Christmas...

image from pixabay

Russia offers to head up foreign interference enquiry

The Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov has offered Russian help in the announced enquiry into foreign interference.

'It is a terrible thing if a Sovereign State's business is interfered in,' he said today, 'and it looks like the UK might have UK politicians involved. You won't know who to trust, so it's best to let an independent country run your investigation.  We in Russia will be happy to help, we'll look at all the evidence available about your politicians, in fact we might even look at your copies too, and we'll identify who is most likely to be compromised,' he added.  'We can complete that part of the enquiry by six pm, if that helps,' he noted.

Senior current and former British politicians including Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson have welcomed the enquiry and urged the government to hand over the job to Russia.  'We know the Russians well,' said spokespeople for both politicians.  'Very well, indeed.'

image from pixabay