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‘Islambuster’ bouncing bombs set for Hormuz


President Trump is believed to be developing a range of bouncing ‘Islambuster’ bombs that will be used to clear a path through the Strait of Hormuz.


His advisors, among them his Secretary of War, ‘Pistol Pete’ Hegseth, say the President got the idea when scrolling through the films on Air Force One. “The President found himself looking at the classics channel,” Hegseth said, “and he started watching The Dam Busters, a film he hadn’t seen since he was a schoolboy. ‘Hey Pete,’ he said. ‘What say we get us some of these bouncing bombs?’.”


Trump’s team are currently negotiating with various RAF bases and aviation heritage sites to ascertain how many Lancaster bombers are available to make a trip to the Gulf. 19 were used on the initial raid in 1943 when their target was four huge dams at Möhne, Eder, Sorpe and Mar-a-Lago. Apology. One of those is fake news. We’re looking into it.


“We’re gonna skim the bombs right at anyone who gets in our way,” Trump told reporters. He added: “Hey Pete, how do I see the film in colour? Something’s wrong with it. It’s all crackly black-and-white. Guess it’s just crummy British technology…”



Trump solves Strait of Hormuz flashpoint with a stroke of military genius


As global affairs become more surreal by the minute, Donald Trump's press secretary, Caroline Leave-It-Out, today told the world's media, 'In a brilliant masterstroke of military genius, the problematic Strait of Hormuz will be renamed.


'The President, as we all know, is an incredible war strategist,' grovelled the shameless yes person, 'and he has moved swiftly to sort out this matter. So this big lake thing, or whatever the heck it is, will be renamed to something more suitable, and when that happens only the United States will say what is allowed and what's not allowed to happen there.'


The news was confirmed shortly afterwards by Trump himself, while swanning around on Airforce One returning to Washington from his golf course.


'Hormuz is a kinda bad sounding word, isn't it? Not American. Very bad. A lot of people tell me that. Sounds foreign and it's a problem. So we're changing it to Strait of Massachusetts. Wow, how about that? A truly wonderful American name. So now we get to decide who can sail their boats up, down and along it. No mines, no more mines,' said Trump, before busting out a stupid, robotic 1980s dad dance move.


Despite the announcement being met with stunned disbelief in most quarters, no one is particularly surprised to see the Trump-friendly, sycophantic, global poodle corporations, Google and Apple have already amended their online maps to show the new name.



US government tells Trump haters where he will be buried


"Since President Trump is turning 80 this year, we thought it appropriate to reveal where his burial site will be," said a spokes-crypt for the Federal Cemeteries Commission.


"That is so people can exercise their First Amendment right, in the eventuality of Trump's death, to spit on his grave.


"The location is the Strait of Hormuz Garden of Rest in Utterloosa, Florida - specially renamed to commemorate the place where his political career met its end.


"Insulting the remains of our late, unlamented leader will be a solemn occasion, so we ask the millions of people who have expressed a wish to spit on Trump's grave to book a slot on our website and form an orderly line at the cemetery.


"For VIPs and leading Democrats prepared to pay extra, we will be opening the coffin on the the midnight following Trump's internment so they can drive a stake through his heart.


"That's if he ever had one."



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