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'Starmer is playing with fire listening to Sarah Connor. She is clearly delusional' said Blair in a 6000 word essay, 'she's an intellectual wasteland who has no properly thought-through analysis of how the world was changing and what that meant for policy.”


'Does our economy need right now the goal of net-zero misanthropic killer robots? Taxes are high and getting higher, how do we justify adding to the ballooning cost of fighting the T-1000?'


A cold, soul-less, mechanical killing machine that pretends to be human, Tony Blair recognised the T-1000's unorthodox methods were 'controversial', but argued that voters liked its 'efficacy. its ability to get big things done...the challenge of democracy is not transparency, honesty or conspiracy theories about the hidden power of elites...definitely not those things, or Skynet.'


Blair criticized Starmer for not giving Skynet the backing it sought: 'It's not the best way to treat our ally, Starmer should hand John Connor in to the friendly liquid-metal law enforcement agent, the CPU and severed arm of 1984 T-800 terminator should not be destroyed and Starmer should return them to Cyberdyne's vaults.'


'Deregulating AI is the route to economic prosperity and social justice', said Blair, accusing Starmer of 'addressing the dangers rather than seizing the opportunities.”


Asked if there was a risk of danger from Skynet becoming self-aware, Tony Blair pointed to over half a million people killed in the Iraq civil war due to his failures, showing he was already dangerous, despite having no self-awareness whatsoever.


Image: WixAI


Disgraced former Chief Executive of the SNP, Peter Murrell, will be represented in court by his lawnmower.


Murrell bought the £3,070 robot lawnmower and recorded the cost in the SNP accounts as 'legal fees'. He is now aiming to prove that the description is genuine and not incorrect by bringing the lawnmower to court, and using it to make his case.


Critics regard this as a bad move. They believe that the lawnmower will probably grass up Murrell. At best, it is likely to cut corners. As a robot lawnmower, it will be unable to think outside the box.


The judge, in a misjudged remark, said that the lawnmower would probably make a better job of cutting the defendant's hair.





'Using poster paints in multiple easy-to-distinguish colours,' said a spokes-brush for Dumb Cop Art Ltd, 'we're teaching the hundreds of Hampshire Police officers with IQs below 75 how to spot which one of two people has been seriously injured and which one is holding a deadly weapon.


'They can take their work home at the end of the day and put it on the fridge door.'


At press time, the spokes-beret was reporting that dozens of junior officers had just about got the point but that, worryingly, the penny was still not dropping for officers of Assistant Chief Constable rank and above.


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