Following White House ballroom Trump unveils further US construction projects

Disbelief across the globe today as Donald Trump announced plans to have the iconic Statue Of Liberty demolished and replaced by a 500 foot towering effigy of himself in its place.

Speaking in the Oval Office to a claque of handpicked brown-nosing sycophants masquerading as news reporters, Trump broke off from a phone call with Ukraine's President Zelensky to explain.

'Yeah, park the missiles schtick for a few minutes, Vlod, will you? I got a more pressing matter here.'

'Right, listen up guys, my statue is going to be really great. A beautiful thing. People are already saying it's going to be the best and most beautiful statue on the planet. They're saying that. Yes they are. Everyone's saying it. True.

'But my plans won't change anything. And anyway, The Statue of Liberty is a disgrace. An ugly monstrosity of some dame covered in mildew and other crap. It's good riddance.'

When pressed on what the new installation will be called Trump said: 'We're not sure on a name yet. Some are suggesting it should be called "Most Glorious Trump Monument", and if that's what the public vote says then who am I to stand in the way of the people? We'll see soon enough after I get the ballot rigged.'

Preliminary drawings show an imposing likeness of Trump covered from top to bottom in gold leaf. On his head is a red baseball cap crafted from rubies, with the letters MAGA depicted across the front in pure uncut diamonds. 

Replacing the desk phone back on the receiver Trump added, 'Wow, that little guy is so goddamn needy. Tomahawks my ass. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I have many great construction plans for America. Next up after my statue we're starting work on filling in the Grand Canyon to build five thousand golf courses each with a 7-star hotel. It's gonna be the golfing capital of the world. FACT.'

image from grok

Writing on the wall as sales of Trump 2026 kitchen calendar stall bigly

Reports emerging today suggest sales of the President Donald J  Trump 2026 Calendar are 'sluggish', seemingly, with many dyed-in-the-wool MAGA cult members unwilling to make a date with it.

Cletus Abernathy from Bona Venture Arkansas, who describes himself as a part-time, moronic and clueless village idiot, is one such devotee unwilling to part with the cool $2500 asking price.

Speaking to Fox News he said: 'Mary Lou, my good lady, done told me she wanted a copy but I refused to buy it. As a god-fearing devout Christian I could not allow her to look upon an uncensored image of the president, as depicted in July. On account of him being stripped to the waist and mudwrestling JD Vance, while Pete Hegseth, in Speedos, looks on and 25 scantily clad cheerleaders shake their pom-poms.

'I mean, you can actually see Mr Trump's fully exposed right butt cheek, and the prospect of that amorphous blob of shapeless corpulent flab hanging over me for thirty-one days, as I'm tryin' to chow down my squirrel pie, turkey gizzards and grits, did not appeal. No siree.

'So I told Mary Lou. Now see here, honey, if you want to look at something as old and petrified as Trump's ass then I'll just send off to England and get cousin Zeke to mail us the Cliff Richard one like he does every year.'

image from grok

Deported migrant got more than £500

Border Force officials are pleased to see the back of an asylum seeker finally deported to Ethiopia today.

The press are reporting that the man was paid £500 so that he wouldn't make a fuss. Insiders say that he got a lot more than £500.

Our source said, 'That man was an ace negotiator. He was relentless. He asked for, and received, all kinds of amazing stuff.

'He got a signed photograph of Sir Mark Rowley, head of the Met Police, so that he could show his family who had lost out big time at hide and seek. He had to promise that he wouldn't share it with the press or post it on social media. He seemed very trustworthy, so our negotiators said yes. He also got Keir Starmer's wife's recipe for Lemon Cheesecake, the freedom of Epping, twelve sticks of seaside rock from Clacton, some nice clothes, and Sushi for the flight home.

'On the plus side, he has promised not to tell everyone in Ethiopia about the five hundred quid and the other goodies. So hopefully that will encourage Ethiopians to stay at home and not to take a trip to the UK.

image from pixabay