Palace horrified sexual predator came so near royal family

Palace insiders have spoken today of their horror that a sexual predator, especially one with an interest in younger victims, was allowed to come so near the royal family.

'To think, he's the father of the woman married to Prince Harry,' said one today, as he sipped Earl Grey from a china cup.

'Thank God the Duchess is publicly estranged from him. And of course the Sussexes are no longer working royals anyway.

'Plus, of course, one might point out that Harry's status as a royal was always, how shall one say, somewhat tenuous. He avoided taking blood tests for a reason.

'Still, it's horrifying to think of such a scandal coming so close to the Crown.'

The remarks were made during an interview with Emily Maitlis for the BBC's Newsnight programme, which the palace staffer later said he felt had gone very well.

'Thank God we've put that scandal to bed and won't hear any more about it.'

Image: moritz320 - Pixabay

Leaked UK budget proposes to raise pension age to 5 years before you die

In a dramatic money saving move the UK chancellors’ budget next week is expected to save literally squillions over the next few decades. Instead of the pension budget climbing inexorably due to the triple lock Mr Healey will instead limit your time as a pensioner nearer to that experienced by previous generations, i.e. about 5 years if you were lucky. No more retiring in your 50s and then swanning around for the next 30 years winging about the cost of living, once you get your pension it’s spend, spend, spend before your time is up. Other benefits are expected to be a reduction in the queues at post offices at lunchtime, fewer Sunday drivers wearing a hat and an overall boost to the economy as all those lovely savings get spent on recliner chairs, walk in baths and water filled foot massagers.

Some commentators have wondered how the government knows how long you are going to live but Mr Healey had an answer ready:- AI. He says it’s now so good you can point it at a couple of photos of any adult in the UK and it will predict their life expectancy along with their levels of racism, anti-Semitism and gullibility with an accuracy some other governments around the world can only dream of, or make up, as appropriate.

Asked if there are any downsides, Mr Healey said yes, but they are minor and he had a plan. Anyone suddenly changing lifestyle and looking like they were going to beat the odds would be invited to stay at the Carrousel Carehome run by the Sandman group. He also announced a new recycling initiative using food waste to make the UK less reliant on food imports. This is to be run by the Green Soylent Corporation.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Reform now promotes equal opportunities corruption

Reform UK has thrown it's weight behind equal opportunities in the corruption, lobbying and bungs sector, following revelations that it has taken donations from an associate of the leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran.

'While we may previously have described the ayatollahs as Muslim madmen who are greater dangers to the UK than Russia' said a party spokesperson Ronald Garage, 'it now turns out they could be greater donors than Russia, too.'

'So let's put an end to this nonsense that we're prejudiced. We don't care about the colour of your skin, only the colour of your money. As long as you don't want to come and actually live here of course.'

Sources suggest the party is preparing to go even further into the Axis of Evil to prove it's openness to working people from all corners of the world, with a waterskiing holiday with Kim Jong Un pencilled in. 'Yes he spouts a load of lefty claptrap' said Mr Garage, 'but underneath all that talk, Mr Wrong Un is just a regular guy who likes living in luxury while keeping the plebs onside with scary stories about foreigners. We can definitely do business.'

Image: WixAI