Government miss 1.5million housing target by 1.6million

Nothing could hide the government's embarrassment, when they discovered they had less houses then when they started. The Minister explained. "Once we'd factored in all the repossessions and accidently demolishing a few, it turns out were missing around 100,000 – it's possible they might have ended up as landfill.

"Coupled with the PM's houses being set on fire by Ukrainian male escorts – all whom Sir Keir has no knowledge of whatsoever, I cannot emphasize that enough. Once those young lads had finished their random acts of unmotivated arson, well, that was at least two more gone.

"And who knows where they might strike again? Seriously, if we burn down every home belonging to a Cabinet Minister who'd had a bit of hanky panky or had housed Prince Andrew and Jeffery Epstein – well we'd all be homeless."

image from pixabay

Farage: not enough racists in our adverts, these days

Leader of Reform UK, Nigel Farage, today attempted to double down on Reform MP Sarah Pochin's comments where she complained about adverts being 'full' of black and Asian people.

"Well, I think she's right", he told reporters, "and it's plain to see that in every advert on British telly, these days. And if that is the case, where are the good old fashioned British racists in these adverts. If we have a mixed heritage family sharing a Domino's pizza in the park, I want to see a middle aged white man sneering at them from a park bench. Or nasty old women shouting at some black children from her front garden because they walked down her street each enjoying a Magnum. It's only fair that all of Britain is represented."

Mr Farage went on to commit Reform UK to add a policy in their manifesto that a racist 'signer' will be in the corner of British TV screens that would automatically 'tut' and roll their eyes every time a Curry sauce advert was aired or a black person was featured in any positive sense whatsoever.

image from grok

Porridge reboot planned

TV executives are excited about a planned reboot of the iconic prison-based sitcom Porridge. They say that the format is even more relevant in 2025 and can include themes of spending cuts, early prisoner releases, and administrative incompetence.  

There is no news on casting, but we have obtained a first draft of the opening monologue:

‘Norman Stanley Kebatu, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual asylum seeker, who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts imprisonment and/or deportation in the same casual manner.  We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences: you will go to prison for a little while, and you then be let out and taken to Finsbury Park until you see the error of your ways.  We may deport you, if you can pay for your own ticket.‘

image from google gemini