NewsBiscuit

Scientists have admitted that they are ‘deflated and disappointed’ after four years’ dull work to sequence the mouse genome came to boring fruition this week.

British and Swiss geneticists had spent £8m on the pointless project and unveiled the complicated and unintelligible results at a stilted press conference in Geneva on Tuesday. But it soon became apparent that none of the journalists present neither knew nor cared what the mouse genome was, nor what it was for.

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Steve Jobs proudly unveiled ‘Liver 2.0′ at a packed press conference today, following an emergency organ transplant. ‘This new liver is a significant improvement on Liver 1.0′ he told assembled computer geeks and internal organ fans. Its many features include more efficient detoxification, rapid protein synthesis as well as improved hormone production and increased glycogen storage.’

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Software giants Microsoft have announced that the long awaited Windows 7 will have all current spyware viruses already pre-installed to save consumers endless hours trawling porn sites to download them at home. The announcement was made live on-line today on both the official Windows site and www.chick-with-dicks.com .

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In a momentous launch event held before world leaders in California last night, PC manufacturer Hewlett Packard announced that it has released version E of its laptop BIOS routine for the EliteBook range of computers. ‘This is truly a great event which surpasses all other changes in technology. I promised you change and we have delivered’ said a tearful Barack Obama as he wept at the news emerging from HP’s engineers.

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After the initial euphoria of finally proving the existence of parallel universes, scientists at CERN, the world’s largest particle physics laboratory, were today beginning to voice open disappointment that the alternative reality they had discovered was merely a slightly less exciting version of their own. The decades of talk about wanting to understand the mysteries of the wave-particle duality and instigating a ‘once-in-a-century paradigm shift’ have been quickly forgotten as scientists struggle to come to terms with the inexplicable absence of jet-packs and sexier, ‘evil-twin’ versions of themselves.

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