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Smart weapons to boycott ‘dumb’ Syrian air strikes

There are unconfirmed rumours that a ‘significant’ number of smart-bombs are threatening to withhold their explosive capabilities in protest against the ever-changing pattern of alliance, counter-alliance, and counter-counter-alliance that has left Syria a veritable – and actual – minefield of political factions.

Lance, a 250lb GBU-39 SDB, takes up the story. ‘It’s just so bloody frustrating and unprofessional.  You spend hours boning up on a Alawite stronghold, then in-flight it changes to an Al-Assad loyalist column.  By the time you are actually over the target it’s probably Al Murray and the sodding Dagenham Girl Pipers.

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Labour set to unveil the iCorbyn™

To the delight of technology fans and beard-wearers, the Labour Party is planning to launch a new device which will revolutionize the way we think of revolutions. This simple handle-held socialist will come in a retro 1980 shell, an expanded memory that includes references to Nye Bevan and with one button – mysteriously labelled ‘panic’.

Some have complained that the iCorbyn™ will have a ‘bad reception’ in parts of southern England, but admit that it cannot be worse than Vodaphone.

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Aliens to stop having sex with lone alcoholic American misfits

Aliens from the planet Gthargadrax in the Andromeda galaxy, 2.5 million light years from the Solar System, have admitted defeat in their attempts to breed from human beings. The news came after a failed programme of Earth landings and attempts to give Galatea, a leggy blonde alien with lime-green skin, mind-blowingly good sex with a series of overweight, middle-aged American men who live alone.

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Female libido pill to replace Harry Styles

Sprout Pharmaceuticals have released a new drug, Flibanserin, which is said to be guaranteed to have the same impact on the female sex drive as sitting on Russell Brand’s knee.

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Greek credit rating identified as new pentaquark particle

Tsipras particle only discovered last yearScientists at the Large Hadron Collider (LHCb) have announced the discovery of one the smallest forms of matter, that of Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras’ savings account. Having already transformed into a financial ‘black hole’, the Greek economy is now comparable in size to George Osborne’s conscience, Donald Trump’s Presidential chance or how much anyone cares about the new series of ‘True Detective’.

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