NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

ScienceBiscuit

Large Hadron Collider could let foreign particles in, complains Farage

looks like a giant arsehole, and so does the LHCNigel Farage has slammed the Large Hadron Collider for taking two years off work then coming back online to ‘deliberately introduce dark matter into an already crowded Universe’. The UKIP leader has long highlighted quantum immigration as an ‘explosive issue’ for the general election.

‘Frankly we just don’t have the infrastructure to assimilate all these new particles’, Farage raged, taking an earnest boggle-eyed bantam stance. ‘It has been openly admitted that we don’t really know where all these ‘exotic particles’ originate and we know far less about their skills and employment records. How do we know that the minute these particles are created, they won’t go straight on benefits?’

Read more >



Last person to understand iTunes dies

apparently you have to think differentPatrick Wilbert, believed to be the last person on the world who understand how iTunes works, passed away yesterday, aged 39, after a stress-related illness. Wilbert had dedicated the last 14 years of his life working out how to get music on and off his iPod via iTunes. He was successful with nearly every version of the app, and there is evidence that he was even able to use iTunes with the Windows operating system.

Read more >



Facebook offers fully automated profiles for morons

for the discerning social media slovenFacebook is set to offer fully automated profiles by the end of next year. Users who lack the will to update their status in person at odd intervals will be able to pre-select a lifetime’s worth of status updates that will automatically be posted to their profiles.

Read more >



Fears of unintentional racism as Apple launches line of ethnically diverse emoji

*embarrassed*Industry experts predict a sharp increase in the number of mobile phone users choosing voice calls over text messages for fear of being branded a horrible racist following Apple’s unveiling of a new line of ethnically diverse emoji.

Read more >



Samsung release a range of morally superior TVs

So much smarter than you.Having revealed that their current range of smart products will ‘listen’ to and gather personal information, the South Korean multinational was forced to concede that their self-aware TVs were now ‘silently judging’ their owners and malfunctioning accordingly.

Read more >