Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider (LHCb) have announced the discovery of one the smallest forms of matter, that of Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras’ savings account. Having already transformed into a financial ‘black hole’, the Greek economy is now comparable in size to George Osborne’s conscience, Donald Trump’s Presidential chance or how much anyone cares about the new series of ‘True Detective’.
Nigel Farage has slammed the Large Hadron Collider for taking two years off work then coming back online to ‘deliberately introduce dark matter into an already crowded Universe’. The UKIP leader has long highlighted quantum immigration as an ‘explosive issue’ for the general election.
‘Frankly we just don’t have the infrastructure to assimilate all these new particles’, Farage raged, taking an earnest boggle-eyed bantam stance. ‘It has been openly admitted that we don’t really know where all these ‘exotic particles’ originate and we know far less about their skills and employment records. How do we know that the minute these particles are created, they won’t go straight on benefits?’
Patrick Wilbert, believed to be the last person on the world who understand how iTunes works, passed away yesterday, aged 39, after a stress-related illness. Wilbert had dedicated the last 14 years of his life working out how to get music on and off his iPod via iTunes. He was successful with nearly every version of the app, and there is evidence that he was even able to use iTunes with the Windows operating system.
Facebook is set to offer fully automated profiles by the end of next year. Users who lack the will to update their status in person at odd intervals will be able to pre-select a lifetime’s worth of status updates that will automatically be posted to their profiles.
Industry experts predict a sharp increase in the number of mobile phone users choosing voice calls over text messages for fear of being branded a horrible racist following Apple’s unveiling of a new line of ethnically diverse emoji.