President Trump has announced plans - the biggest, most beautiful plans ever - to restore the Statue of Liberty to its full glory. These plans will include painting it gold, re-naming 'The Trump Statue of Liberty' and editing the displayed message to say 'F**k off, foreigners!' 'Which is well overdue' explained the President. 'No-one has ever taken more liberties than me! FACT.'

Twenty million households in council tax bands A-D will receive a £100 "household energy payment" this winter, paid directly into bank accounts for help with rising energy bills. However, with the energy price cap set to rise by a massive 27% in January, rather than turn the heating on, it might actually be cheaper and warmer to take the £100 out the bank and set fire to it.

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Conservative MPs have criticised the House of Commons’ Standards Committee for failing to show a sufficiently convivial fraternal spirit, as the Parliamentary Premier League of Lobbying is rocked with rumours of a breakaway. Right-wing commentator Clementine Carruthers said ‘Honest Conservatives have got no alternative but to reform the system so they can never be found guilty or face any consequences. They almost called it a European Super League of Lobbying, but Mark Franco

Reform UK was only founded eight years ago,' said a rants-man for the former party, 'but it became so overwhelmed by allegations of sleaze and racism that we have shut it down and started up the all-new, squeaky clean KU Mrofer. 'It sounds a bit suspiciously foreign and exotic, 'KU Mrofer', but we swear it's as exotic as a full English breakfast and a Rothmans afterwards. 'And our leader, who never appears in the Commons any more because they keep swiping his prayer card, has

Police Scotland has said that as many as 1,700 officers could be deployed on and around 5 November to deal with fireworks-related disorder, in the biggest police operation since the visit by President Donald Trump last year. Colourful, brash and noisy, President Trump was in Scotland last July.

1We have fought multiple elections against a party led by a man totally unfit - morally, temperamentally and intellectually - to be US president," said a spokes-wasted ballot for the Democrats. 'You'd think that winning against a deranged, deceitful convicted criminal like that would be as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. But whatever we do, we keep missing. Presidential elections, Congressional elections, mid-terms - you name them, we've flunked them and handed them on a p

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A Luton man found that his house had been sold while he was working away from home, and all his belongings stripped from it, after carelessly accepting the 'legitimate interest' of a range of companies to meddle in his life. “All I wanted to do was to use a website to book a holiday” said the man, “so when a popup asked me about 'legitimate interest',naturally I clicked OK. I mean, I thought that sounded legit - literally. Then I when I came back home I found the locks change

Hot on the heels of last week's completely made up Man of the Century award comes yet another ludicrous plaudit for Trump. "The Best Person To Have Lived... Ever" trophy will be presented to him at a lavish White House ceremony in December as part of the Christmas celebrations. The prize is understood to comprise a repurposed Junior League baseball shield, a lifetime supply of McDonald's, and fifty-five billion dollars in untraceable cryptocurrency. Speaking in The Oval Off

The Defence Secretary made it clear that the UK should prepare for conflict and most people think starting with him is as good a place as any.

Aries Your future contains nothing. Nothing at all. My predictions are based on examining chicken entrails and they are very clear about the nothing. How was I to know that none of the chickens in Tesco have giblets? Taurus You know you can walk with scissors no problem. Try a light jog and work up to running with them. Show the world what you are capable of. Rules are for losers. Gemini Halloween may be over, but the horror story is just beginning for you. Someone has spiked