'We've had villages the length and breadth of Britain strip payphones out of their boxes and replace them with mini-libraries," said Eric Page-Turner, owner of Dead Tree Books in Poplar. "It's ruined our sales of moronic Danielle Steel and Jeffrey Archer novels. 'So my competitors and I have decided to turn the tables and install payphones in our bookshops. 'They've gone down a storm with people whose mobiles have run out of juice, old folk who feel nostalgic for the sound of

Technologists warning of the dangers of Artificial Intelligence have today admitted that a far greater threat may be posed by Genuine Dumbness. 'For too long we’ve assumed that GD is constrained by its own dumbness, and will never be able to achieve anything,” said Rahindra Spod, CEO of NerdTech today. 'But recently, we’re finding this only works in an environment that’s reasonably intelligent, and therefore will recognise the dumbness for what it is. 'Put GD in a dumb envir

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Without a twinge of irony, the PM helped raise money for a cause he could solve in one day. Rather than end rough sleeping, Mr. Burnham thought the appropriate action was to get all sweaty for a charity that was doing his job for him. He was alleged to have mumbled in a northern dialect, ‘I could help but I'd rather jog off’. With nipples chaffing, the Prime Minister celebrated his victory against homeliness by high-fiving a tramp. Asked why he doesn't volunteer at the shelte

The President of the Untied States, Donald Trump, has announced that English, the language of preference for almost all Americans, is henceforth to be known as the American language. 'We all speak it, so it must be American. Anyway, I have always thought that the English speak our language in a rather funny, odd little way. "Of course, this is only my opinion, but I happen to know that all intelligent people agree with me.' photo: Newsbiscuit archive Why not join our WhatsAp

A cardboard box in London has been given listed status. Although used previously only for homeless vagrants, the box has been determined to have reached iconic status. 'The box has been used under the same railway arches for months, housing several generations of vagrants,' read a report issued today. 'However it is seen as a desirable home by many who would otherwise need to commute from Essex, consequently it is intended to give it protected status to save it being dispos

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It has been confirmed that staff being made redundant due to the closure of Clarence House, the residence of the former Prince of Wales aka King Charles III, will be slaughtered humanely and buried alongside the Queen. The surplus equerries and estates technicians will be sent to serve in the afterlife, together with 96 corgis and Donkey Derby the prize-winning racehorse. It was initially thought that they could be re-employed by the new Prince of Wales, but William has elect

'Russia's strike on a train which was reportedly meant to get Boris Johnson," said a spokes-Diesel Multiple Unit for the UK's rail companies, "has come as a wake up call to all us about the risks of carrying eminent former statesmen as passengers... and clowns like Boris. 'We are therefore suspending all passenger and freight services across the UK, with immediate effect, while we assess the possibility that Russia might be planning to strike trains carrying Sir Keir Starmer,

Following a successful pilot over parts of Darlington where small parcels were delivered by air-borne drone, e-commerce retailer Amazon has requested permission from the Civil Aviation Authority to cover the whole of the Darlington area. Items delivered by drone are limited to packages that can fit inside a large shoebox and weigh less than 5lb. Eligible customers who want to use the service also have to have neighbours who have a garden, yard, or driveway, so that the packa

We see what you are doing - trying to buy the likes of Nigel Farage and other yesterday people. Well, for the last time, Newsbiscuit isn't up for sale. Not for £1 million, £5 million and definitely not for £36 million. And you can forget about wads of cash in plain brown paper envelopes - what do you take us for? County councillors? Newsbiscuit, for hopefully the last time, isn't up for sale. Rent, sure. A long lease with an open chequebook, probably. But don't confuse u

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