UK to drop 'UK' from name

The government is in early discussions with brand consultants over concern that having ‘UK’ in the UK's name could be a contributory factor to the slow economic recovery. A sum of £9.5millon has been set aside to come up with a new brand, but experts say it is unlikely to contain the letters UK, or Britain, or GB.

‘Made in the UK no longer seems to resonate with our overseas customers, but that's perhaps because we no longer make anything,’ said an eminent brand consultant. 'We could just lie and say 'Made in China'. That seems to work for the Chinese.'

‘Alternatively we could simply shorten UK to K,' he continued. 'After all, the nation is not particularly united, but it is a kingdom. Then again as we presently have a queen not a king, we could just call it Q. But that name's been taken by a music magazine, so it could get confusing.’

For an interim period the nation will be known as ‘the nation formerly known as the UK’.

Written by Boutros

Artificial Intelligence used to complete teenager's art GCSE

Following the successful completion of a previously lost section to Rembrandt's 'Night Watch', where the computer has added images of a man standing, a boy running and a drunken painter mooning, the technology has been deployed to help GCSE students in Art get a decent grade.

'The economy is highly dependent on young adults being able to crayon effectively, particularly between the lines, and this software will help them do just that,' said an AI expert today. Brandon Hedges, 16, is notably enthusiastic when actually awake. 'I couldn't get a decent grade in art thanks to lockdown,' he insisted, although his art teacher Mr Marples disagrees. 'Hedges is a lazy bastard who can't hold a crayon the right way up, but at least the software saves me from predicting a bare pass for the useless prat,' he said between supping pints of stout in the staff room. 'I'm not allowed to predict a fail, apparently. It has to be a grade. Fail is definitely a grade,' he added.

Brandon's final submission titled 'a line I drew' was originally a line in red crayon delivered diagonally across a sheet of lined A4 paper. The modified AI version shows an intricate scene where Brandon is running and his art teacher is mooning through a window. The AI creator admitted that the software does have a limited imagination. 'Just like all sixteen year old art students,' he said.

HMS Defender ‘played out of position’

The Type 45 guided missile destroyer HMS Defender was recently involved in some slightly spicy shenanigans in the Black Sea, near to Russia or Ukraine, depending on who you ask.

A Royal Navy spokesman said ‘Keep politics out of football? Cry me a river.’

He did concede that HMS Defender was being played out of position.

‘It’s so easy to get total war mixed up with total football. We want to play with greater fluidity as we are, by definition, in the sea. So HMS Defender was playing closer to HMS Midfield Pivot to help us move things forward.’

‘We’ve got two HMS Willing Runners moving out wide and HMS False Nine drifting all over the place up front… actually, is it supposed to be doing that?’