'Five Go Dobbing In The Neighbours' - now available to buy

The eBook edition of the latest NewsBiscuit anthology – Five Go Dobbing In the Neighbours – is being released in eBook format 1st December and can be pre-ordered on Amazon now using the link below. The book will cost less than a cup of over-priced coffee at £4.99 and contains over 800 submissions and numerous one-liners. Download it on to your phone and it’s like having NewsBiscuit in your pocket on or off-line!

Not only is the eBook version going to be available for less than a cup of froth, it will be available for free to those too tight to pay for delivery (Amazon Prime members) and those who like to lord it up (Kindle Unlimited members). In case you’re worried, we do get paid. If Besos can afford to fly William Shatner to the edge of space, we can extract a pound or two out of him if you read this book. We have a certain set of skills.

Print versions of Five Go Dobbing are also going to be available very, very soon. At over 500 pages long crammed with the best subs and one-liners over the last twelve months it is the best Christmas present for anyone struggling to find a present for those who don’t deserve anything, or too bored to give a sh!t about Christmas presents. Either way, you are bound to get the ultimate accolade – ‘ you really shouldn’t have’’ Softback version will retail at £11.99 and the de-luxe hardback version at a very reasonable £19.99. Monitor the Amazon page below for release dates and order early to avoid disappointment. And order an eBook version while you’re at it. You really can’t have too many copies.

Queen to replace Windsor Castle with a Pyramid in preparation for imminent demise

Windsor and Maidenhead council have given the royal household planning permission to demolish the old energy-inefficient castle and replace it with a 500-foot high Egyptian pyramid.

A spokesperson said the permission had been granted following reports that emissions from the castle had completely melted a Swiss glacier.

Her Majesty was ecstatic with the decision. ‘It’s what one has always wanted,’ she said, in between drags on one of the royal families own brand e-cigarettes.

‘One has no double glazing, and it’s exceptionally draughty. One is also informed that the sixteenth-century central heating system, which is powered by the crushed bones of universal benefit claimants, is not sustainable in the long term.

Apart from a pyramid being a magnificent celebration of the greatest and longest-ruling monarch ever in British history, it will be carbon neutral. A pyramid, you see, is hermetically sealed, and there will be no emissions. Well, apart from the screams from my faithful retainers, who one is taking with one, but that should die down in a week or so.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/waszi-6086964/

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TV stations announce new approach to cookery programmes

Amid news that supermarkets have been filling gaps on their shelves with pictures and cardboard replicas of produce, television companies have been rushing to produce cooking programmes using cardboard cut-outs of celebrity chefs along with replica soundtracks from previous episodes when they each had a go at cooking the same dishes.

A spokesperson for the BBC explained: 'We've known for a long time, that although these programmes are popular and interest people in exciting recipes, they were only ever watched by people under 50, because older people already know how to cook. We also know that although these programmes are educational, which ticks a box in our charter, not a single person under 50 has ever attempted to try the recipes themselves, preferring instead to buy a ready meal version of it.

When asked whether the older generation would miss seeing celebrity chefs cook in person, Agnes Smith from Lancashire said “Course I won't. They only ever cooked foreign muck. There isn't one of them who had a go at doing proper food like tripe and onions or a pigs' trotter stew.”

Entrepreneurs from the graphics industry have however seen an opportunity in producing cardboard cut-outs of viewers who can watch the new cookery programmes whilst those who buy them can go down the pub, like they used to when Agnes was a lass, making sure of course, that she put the veg on to cook before leaving the home.

It's rumoured Nigel Farage once picked up a cardboard cut-out of Gordon Ramsay from a skip and took it home to keep him company, pretending he has a friend. Said a source close to the former leader of political parties various: “It may be difficult to get Farage to part with it, but if they could run to a packet of fags and a pint of Old and Filthy, you never know your luck.”

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/

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